


An Alien Concept

by catisacat



Series: An Alien Collection [1]
Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Culture, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6584005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catisacat/pseuds/catisacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhys wakes up to a dead body on his doorstep, seemingly a threat on his life, which leads him to call on Zer0 for help.</p><p>It ends up with him having more time with the assassin than he'd ever previously thought possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Corpse

**Author's Note:**

> Finally contributing something for Zerhys. I should do that more often, it gets shockingly little fanmedia. I'm constantly surprised it's not a bigger pairing.
> 
> The only barrier is my nigh religious adherence to haikus.

Rhys had always heard people say bullet exit wounds were bigger but this was really the first time he was experiencing this firsthand.

The back of the man’s head was completely burst open, like a bloody flower made of flesh, bones and brain matter. The disgusting tufts of brown hair feathered around it only helped accentuate how unnatural the presentation was.

Rhys carefully hooked a boot underneath the man’s head, flicking it to reveal him as a high ranking member of the Maliwan company he’d met with a week ago.

The man had been a real bastard, the meeting was supposed to be a chance for them to collaborate on a prototype for a line of high powered elemental sniper rifles. Instead, the representative had attempted to steal the files off the laptop Rhys had brought. He’d used his ECHOeye to remotely fry the device they’d stuck on it before storming out.

And now that man was lying facedown on his doorstep. Dead. Bullet neatly between the eyes.

Rhys broke out of the paralyzed stupor, immediately realizing that this was most likely a threat.

He slammed his door, clumsily and aggressively clicking his many locks into place before slamming his back against it as his heart started racing.

He’d always considered that this might happen but as the blood started seeped underneath his door it coldly dawned on him. This was real. It was too real. It wasn’t the idle worry of his distracted brain anymore.

There was someone who wanted him dead.

His pointed boots left bloody footprints on the immaculate white floors as he raced around the house for a few minutes desperately trying to find his phone before remembering it was in his pocket.

Nearly dropping the damned thing he fumbled with it before managing to locate Vaughn’s name in the address book.

Each ring that sounded through his terrifyingly quiet apartment only added another knot to the twisted feeling in his gut. As it went to voicemail he was nearly blinded by panic as his mind started racing: what if whoever had killed the man from Maliwan was knocking off all high leveled gun manufacturer employees?

What if Vaughn was already dead?

Rhys slammed his best friend’s name in the address book again.

It rang twice before Vaughn’s familiar, albeit groggy and thoroughly irritated, voice came through the speaker, “I was sleeping. What.”

It was less a question and more of a demand but Rhys was so relieved to hear him alive that he didn’t even care. His reply came in a jumbled stream of panicked words but he managed to convey the grisly gift he’d found on his doorstep and its probable meaning.

That sure woke the former bandit king up.

It was only a few minutes before Vaughn was there, staring at the carnage first hand.

He looked around the hallway before announcing his presence. There was essentially no foot traffic here. Rhys had tried to get more Atlas workers to come live in the nigh abandoned apartments above the offices but only he and Yvette had said yes. The second most luxurious apartment had been given to him, just on the opposite side of the same floor as Rhys’.

Vaughn was usually glad to still get to live so close to his best friend but looking down at the man’s decimated head he was wondering if the Pandoran sisters would let him come along on their next caravan trip. And maybe the one after that.

His knuckles barely rapped the door before it flung open and he was dragged inside by his lanky friend.

\---

Vaughn sat there as Rhys paced, nervously chattering away more to himself than his now captive best friend. Eventually he did directly address the shorter man though with a vague and helpless question, “What do I do?”

“I could always stay here with you,” Vaughn quickly offered, maybe just a little too quickly as he continued, “It’ll be just like in college, bro, except someone’s trying to kill you. I mean, I don’t want to brag but I did keep the Children of Helios alive all by myself for over half a year. And you’re about a million times less stupid than their smartest member.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Rhys said, immediately dismissing the idea, ”It’s way too dangerous. No one was directly targeting the Children of Helios.”

He’d already been paranoid about losing his best friend since they got separated during Helios’ fall, he wasn’t about to keep him in the danger zone for any longer than necessary.

Vaughn shook it off, “I don’t care. You’re my best friend, I’d do anything for you. And they were more targeted than you’d think. Fallen Helios was a freaking bandit magnet.”

“Still, that’s different than dealing with an assassi-”

Rhys cut himself short. Vaughn immediately felt his chances of staying here and being the big damn hero as the CEO’s eyes lit up with excitement. They reached the same conclusion at the same time.

“Zer0! I’ll hire Zer0!” Rhys practically yelled in excitement, all but prancing over to where his phone had laid forgotten on the coffee table.

He excitedly scrolled down to their entry in his phone with a wide smile plastered on his face. The ninja had managed to become a decently frequent visitor but Rhys never really had much for them to do. Mostly stealing things but sometimes delivering things.

But this? This would keep his weird, spindly crush around for much longer and in much more… private situations.

Vaughn tried to hide his disappointment and made one feeble attempt to dissuade him, “Or you could go with Athena. She might be a little easier to get ahold of cause she doesn’t really travel that far anymore. Trying to stay by Janey and all.”

Rhys just shook his head, “No, Athena’s still not crazy about the whole Atlas thing. I really don’t think she’d react well to me trying to hire her into it again. Zer0’ll be perfect. I’ll call them, you should probably get going. Try to lie low until we get this sorted out, okay?”

“Okay…” Vaughn mumbled into Rhys’s chest as he was caught in a goodbye hug before disappearing out the front door. The situation want ideal but at least he could go back to sleep now.

Absolutely giddy, Rhys locked the door shut behind his best friend as he made a mental note to check up on him regularly as this was going on. But right now? He flopped back onto the couch, excitedly hitting the call button next to Zer0’s name.

The first and only ring was cut short as they immediately picked up with a curt, “Yes?”

Rhys brushed off the unusual greeting easily, getting into the meat of the situation with renewed enthusiasm, “I have a problem. Kind of a huge one. And you’re really my only hope with this.”

Yeah he was laying it on a little thick but he’s nothing if not a drama queen.

“What is your problem?” they replied over the din of gunshots.

Taking his call so quickly, even in a fight. Rhys tried not to let his excitement over that fact creep into his voice as he explained the situation, “I think someone’s going to try to kill me. When I opened my door to leave for work there was a dead body outside. I’m pretty sure it’s a threat.”

There was a long silence. He briefly felt the twisting worry creep into his gut again. This was serious and if Zer0 turned him down… well he could try asking Athena but he really didn’t have a lot of options with this. That part wasn't just dramatics.

As he opened his mouth to try to sweeten the deal, Zer0 broke the silence.

“Did you not see the letter? In your mailbox, Rhys.”

“What?” he dumbly stuttered. Why would he have checked his mailbox? There was a dead body on his doorstep. He awkwardly made his way back over there, unlocking the door and opening it just enough to fish the black envelope from there before zipping back inside.

Their voice remained placid despite the frightening nature of their words, “I killed him for you / Was he not a good target? / Is it a “no”, then?”

Briefly ignoring them Rhys slid a metal finger under the flap and pulled out the letter within.

Written on it in neat, boxy letters were three succinct lines, “Atlas CEO / And a lonely assassin / Dinner on Friday?”

Silence rung out over the line, punctuated only by an errant shot here and there from Zer0’s sniper rifle as they further racked up a killstreak while patiently waiting for an answer from the dazed man.

Rhys ran through it all quickly in his head trying to make sense of this mess. The corpse on his doorstep wasn’t a threat, it was a weird gift of some sort. An offering. Some sort of incredibly morbid cultural difference between them. The cyborg was no stranger to the fact Zer0 wasn’t a human. Nobody who spent more than two seconds around Zer0 thought that. Frankly, he was hoping alien now because “strange alien mating custom” was a lot less terrifying than “malfunctioning robot murder.”

Finally their voice broke the silence again, “Well?”

“I would, uh, I would love to,” Rhys awkwardly spat out. It was the truth, hell it was an understatement of the truth. As it dawned on him that he both not in danger and also had an unbelievably cool ninja assassin asking him out he started awkwardly giggling.

Perched on a rock in the middle of nowhere Zer0 flashed a “:)” that went unseen as they spoke, “This is good news then / I will pick you up that day / We will talk later.”

The line went dead as Zer0 hung up.

Rhys stared at his phone in stunned silence for a second before flicking back to the “V” section of his address book to disrupt his best friend’s sleep for the second time this morning.


	2. First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zer0 tries to make the date as normal as possible.
> 
> Kinda fails at it.

“Are you fucking stupid? No seriously, I want a serious answer, are you a suicidal idiot? Is this our wake up call? Do I need to stage a dumbass intervention?”

Rhys hadn’t even had a second to say hello before Fiona laid into him like a mother who found her kid’s hand stuck in the cookie jar. Except replace “kid” with “grown-ass man who should know better” and “cookie jar” with “fucking terrifying definitely not human assassin who left a goddamn corpse on his doorstep.”

You know what, also replace “hand stuck in” with “accepted a date from” ‘cause we’re definitely not going to get that graphically sexual in this story.

Frankly, he wasn’t particularly pleased about the fact no one seemed excited for him about getting asked out by Zer0. When he’d called Vaughn he’d gone from sleepily confused to awake and concerned in record time despite Rhys’s apparent excitement.

Rhys was also absolutely certain his best friend was the culprit who’d called in the Pandoran sisters to ‘yell some common sense’ into him.

“You’re overreacting-” he tried to argue.

But he wasn't even allowed to finish that thought as Fiona continued to chastise him, “Wow no, we’re not overreacting, you’re underreacting, severely, to the fact that someone left a dead body on your doorstep as an attempt at a romantic gesture.”

He jerked the phone away from his ear, setting it to speaker in self defense of his eardrums, “Look, they’re an alien or… something.”

He heard Sasha’s voice in the background as there was a scuffle over the line, punctuated by the younger sister persistently saying ‘let me talk to him’ over and over.

Eventually the Sasha won out, talking calmly even though he felt confident in his educated guess that she was probably barely holding her older sister at bay, “Hey stupid, there’s easier ways to get yourself killed. I mean, you’re on Pandora, you don’t need to get so creative.”

“I love having such supportive friends,” Rhys seethed bitterly, finger hovering over the ‘end call’ button.

He briefly wondered if the girls had a camera in his house as Sasha replied, “Hey, don’t hang up on me. I know you’re about to, so don’t. We’re just-”

A loud clamor of shrieks and furniture being banged around announced that the phone had changed hands again as Fiona frantically yelled into it, “I’m gonna laugh at you at your funeral! My eulogy for you will win comedy awards!!”

It was quickly regained by Sasha, “What my ever eloquent sister is trying to say is just be careful alright?”

He could hear Fiona yell a joke about alien STDs in the background.

Sasha ignored her as she continued, “And maybe stop waking up Vaughn with bad and or questionable news because he’s a Grumpy Gus when you do that. Even if the information he’s trying to convey is out of love and concern.”

“Yeah, fine, I’ve gotta get going,“ he mumbled as he looked up at the clock. 6:52.

Sasha’s goodbye was cut short as Fiona tackled her to the couch in a last ditch effort to regain control of the phone.

He didn’t seem to notice as he sat there, dressed in the nicest black and red suit he could pull from his closet as he waited for Zer0 to show up. At least, he assumed that was what was going to happen. They really hadn’t called him to confirm where they were going. Just an incredibly brief text stating ‘7PM.’

Rhys sat there in awkward silence fiddling around with some shitty little game on his phone while he waited. He already felt uncomfortable in his own skin, it was like he’d forgotten how a typical human acts. Well, at least his almost definitely inhuman date probably wouldn’t even realize he was clunkily pretending to be normal.

Right at seven there was a bang on the door, nearly sending him toppling off the couch in sudden fear. It almost sounded more like it had been out-and-out punched rather than knocking.

Either way Rhys paused for a second to pretend he wasn’t uncomfortably perching on his couch’s arm in tense anticipation of their arrival. He took measured and cautious steps towards the door as he ran a metal hand through his hair. As he reached out to grab the handle another thundering bang shook it, causing him to jump back.

He grabbed and quickly turned the handle before the assassin busted it in.

Considering their arm was slightly pulled back, ready to slam the door again, it was probably a good choice. They let it fall to their side like it isn’t weird to nearly splinter a door in half trying to pick up your date.

The CEO tried to look at least remotely normal, even with the surprisingly information that Zer0 was actually wearing literally anything but the exact same jumpsuit they always showed up in. Granted, it wasn’t like they were wearing something drastically different but still. The same suit essentially but all black with bright orangey yellow stripes.

“Are you ready, Rhys?” they said, evidently either unaware or uncaring that Rhys was staring at them like they were an alien. Or, rather, more of one.

He forcibly regained his composure as he checked for wallet and phone and managed to jumble out a response, “Yeah, yeah, I’m ready to go.”

They nodded slightly before turning to walk away, gesturing for him to follow, “We will depart then.”

He walked behind them in awkward silence as they made their way back down to the public area of the building, ignoring the curious stares of his employees. Not to mention the cautious one of Vaughn, who was pretending to be interested in what Kelly from research and development had to say. Both the agitated woman and Rhys knew better though as his blue eyes strayed over the glasses to watch his friend depart.

Rhys knew he shouldn’t be surprised to be standing at the fast travel station but damned if he still wasn’t happy about it. He hated the gut wrenching feeling of being teleported. He crushed that opinion down though as Zer0 entered some unknown number into it.

The man’s suspicions about their destination were confirmed as they dropped into an unfamiliar building with wide, open windows. He’d never been there personally but even at a cursory glance he knew he was standing in the middle of the infamous city of Vault Hunters. Sanctuary.

Nothing really could have prepared him for exactly how intimidating it was to be surrounded by a collection of the biggest badasses on Pandora. Fiona had talked about being up here while being trained by Athena but hearing and seeing are two very different things.

Hell, the massive psycho eyeing him down was enough to trigger a rabbit-like instinct to flee.

While Zer0 was a bit oblivious to how scary themself and other Vault Hunters can be even they can acknowledge how intimidating the fairly harmless experiment appears, addressing the issue, “Krieg will not attack / I’d say no eye contact though / Just for your safety.”

Rhys was about ninety percent sure that last part had been a joke, laughing nervously as they passed the huge man. The assassin nodded benignly at the behemoth who banged his buzzaxe against the wall in reply, yelling some standard psycho nonsense as what appeared to be a weird greeting.

The strange familiarity between the two hit Rhys with the weird idea that Zer0 might actually have friends.

Oh no, that’s mean, what an asshole thought. He immediately felt guilty, of course Zer0 had friends. Vault Hunters typically travel in packs. Hell, the assassin probably had more friends than Rhys himself.

A sharp bite of static scratched into his brain then, causing him to jump in surprise. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling. It was pretty common for his implants to pick up on radio signals and jam them right into his skull but it’s just not something you can get used to.

For a split second he could have sworn he heard a teenage girl swearing before the signal left as quickly as it came.

He shook it off as they approached their destination.

Rhys had to admit he didn’t expect a raucous and slightly sleazy looking bar.

The inside was crammed with even more Vault Hunters than the streets outside. He couldn’t help himself, left eye lighting up as he looked through the crowd. He recognized a few names, some from Fiona’s excited stories, some from sheer infamy. Some both as they passed a stool where the Siren perched, leaning towards the busty woman behind the bar. Everyone knew who Lilith was and Moxxi wasn’t exactly a nobody either not to mention Fiona had come home with excited stories about meeting both women.

Maybe some of the stories had been about the boobs that he was doggedly doing everything in his power not to stare at. He awkwardly pretended to be very interested in the bottles on the wall behind her while Zer0 ordered food and drinks from her.

As they walked towards the booth, Rhys could hear the two women’s gossip turn to being about himself and Zer0. He tried to hide his red face as he slid into the booth seat opposite of the alien.

There was a moment of silence between them. This was really the first time they’d been together without some pressing matter to take care of. Rhys wasn’t sure exactly to what extent Zer0 would be willing to talk about themself. He felt like even the most basic question would be invasive to the assassin.

There was another sharp sting of static in his skull but he didn’t have time to react before Zer0 started talking, “How are things going?”

The sheer generic nature of the question thankfully betrayed that at least Rhys wasn’t alone in feeling incredibly, incredibly awkward about this. He didn’t have much of an answer though, “Things are doing well enough.”

“Well... that is good then.”

There was a brief distraction as Moxxi sauntered up, a large pizza in one hand. She barely looked at either of them before slowly and carefully setting it in the middle of the table. Later Rhys would brag to Fiona about his ability to not stare at the bartender’s boobs. Not even a glance.

As the woman disappeared back to chat with the Siren some more Rhys swung open the pizza box and grabbed a large piece for himself. Lifting it to his mouth he paused, lowering it, at the awkward realization that Zer0 obviously didn’t intend to eat as well.

They didn’t seem to know, or possibly just didn’t care, that it’s weird to go on a date with the intent watch them have a meal alone, “Go on by yourself / I do not eat in public / Obvious reasons.”

A long finger tapped on the front of the helmet.

Near silence fell as Rhys awkwardly ate his piece, shortly followed by another screech of electronic noise right into this skull.

He was getting irritated with that now, obviously it was some Vault Hunter’s device setting it off but god, a sharp spike of noise to the brain is unpleasant. He wasn’t alone in being riddled with electronics up here, you’d think if enough cyborgs complained they’d find the sou-

“Where did you come from?”

Another terse question, but at least one Rhys had more of an answer to, “Eden-5, originally. Me and Vaughn lived there until we were hired by Hyperion then we were sent to live on Helios with the other workers. You?”

What should have been a normal question led to another awkward silence from the assassin.

“Uh, nevermind, you don’t have to answer that,” Rhys cut in, looking back down at his pizza.

A near silent hiss of static wherein Rhys could have sworn he heard a young girl’s voice again was followed by another question from Zer0, “Do you have a family? Back on Eden-6?”

“Yeah but we’re not really close or anything, mom, dad, couple sisters. Parents weren’t really around, one sister’s a partier, the other’s a mechanical genius. Works for Maliwan, actually,” he paused for a long time before deciding to roll the dice again and asked, “Do you have one?”

No silence this time but Zer0 shook their head, “Died when I was young / I do not remember them / Does not upset me.”

“That’s… still pretty sad,” he immediately replied as he simultaneously mentally kicked himself and tried to recover, “F-friends can be more important than family though, right? I mean, I don’t know what I’d do without Vaughn. Well, I kinda know, and the answer wasn’t pleasant.”

“I have many friends / I travel, I meet people / Only some to kill,” they replied, flashing a “:)” at their own joke.

Rhys finally started to relax, maybe this wasn’t going as bad as his worst fears had insisted it was going to, “Do you have a best friend, then?”

The static almost seemed to be laughing as Zer0 responded, “I do have one, yes / Maya, she is a Siren-”

They were interrupted simultaneously by a banging noise followed by the loudest shriek of static, carrying a wordless yell through both Zer0’s helmet and Rhys’s skull while she popped up from a booth on the other side of the bar.

Her metal hand pointed accusingly at Zer0, as she yelled in stereo, “You dick! I thought I was your best friend!!”

Everyone in the bar froze, all eyes on the redheaded girl and her seemingly random outburst.

Zer0 flashed a bright red “>:(“ at her while Rhys stared from her to them in confusion. Instinctively he lit up his ECHOeye, the pop-up her identifying her as “Gaige.” He recognizing the name from her infamous “science fair” incident, a popular story used in Jack’s propaganda to paint Vault Hunters as violent monsters.

Gaige was frozen for half a second, looking around the bar in stunned silence before she abruptly dropped back to her seat and tried to bury her face behind a military man who looked like he was desperately trying not to laugh. Rhys’s eye claimed him as “Axton,” ex-DAHL military. The metal embedded in his head has a dead giveaway though.

His eye turned off as the blue haired woman, previously facing away from them and laughing into a menu peeked back at him with a wave of her Siren-tattooed hand. Probably the aforementioned Maya.

The static and voices was starting to make a lot more sense as Rhys watched the DAHL man lift his arm to allow the teenager to burrow further out of sight as he turned off the communication device previously in her hands. A click came from Zer0’s helmet as the connection was severed.

Looking back to Zer0, they were much more crouched over than he’d ever seen, hands more strongly resembling claws than anything else right now. Their faceplate pointed directly down at the table as they finally ended their haiku, “I am embarrassed…”

“That is… I thought that was just a sitcom thing,” Rhys said, doing a poor job of hiding the fact he too was trying not to laugh at the assassin’s plight.

Zer0 only crunched up more, hands leaving small indents in the table as their friends started to make a break for the door, “I have not dated / Said I already messed up / They wanted to help. Shouldn’t have accepted / You can go now if you want / I will not be mad.”

“Honestly? I’m kind of flattered.”

Their death grip on the table released as they said their first non-haiku of the night, “What?”

“I mean, you went a little overboard with the corpse and the whole… friends-feeding-you-lines  
but you were just… nervous, right? I mean, you said you haven’t been on a date before. Of course you’d be nervous.”

They turned their head and stared at a wall, a bright “/////” across their helmet telling the CEO that he was definitely correct.

“I didn’t have a bad time tonight, though,” Rhys nearly mumbled, realizing exactly how weird it felt to be consoling an embarrassed alien assassin who could very easily kill him and everyone in the room if they wanted to, “Next time just… be yourself, okay? It doesn’t have to be a normal date.”

Zer0 straightened back up before giving a quick nod and flashing a “<3” at Rhys, honestly surprised there was going to be a next time.

The man had to admit he was a little concerned what kind of a date he’d just agreed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm certified unable to write a fic that doesn't heavily involve the pair's friends. I can't do it. I love friendship too much.


	3. Retry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zer0 takes Rhys out on their second date.

The knocking was more sensible this time, almost too quiet to even hear.

Had Rhys not been nervously waiting in dead silence, perched uncomfortably on his couch same as last time, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed.

Zer0 had communicated slightly more this time. A series of short text messages telling him the time, date and instructing him to wear “something you can move in well.”

Frankly that last part had been somewhat hard for Rhys who seemed to have a closet exclusively full of expensive and highly impractical clothing. In his defense, the prissy man wasn't terribly used to physical activity even though his friends had been trying to change that.

Now apparently Zer0 was going to try too but they certainly held more sway over the CEO.

In the end he’d had to buy something to wear. He tried not to cringe down at the Pandoran clothing he was currently donning. It was still technically a suit, they hadn’t been able to take that away from him. Despite Fiona’s continuing paranoid she and her sister hadn’t been about to pass up the opportunity to dress him in something sensible.

And, well, in the end it had been listen to the Pandoran sisters or to Vaughn and Rhys didn’t share his best friend’s views on the casual dismissal of shirts. Necessary, Vaughn. They are necessary.

At the sound of too few knuckles rapping softly at his door a second time he stopped overthinking his clothes and sprung up to answer before the assassin could return to their previous attempts to bang it down.

Cracking the door open he quickly realized Zer0 had returned to their normal monochrome suit. He wasn’t surprised really but maybe a bit disappointed. He didn’t show it on his face but as a man of fashion (however questionable it may be) he had to admit he was curious what all resided in the alien’s closet.

“You look different,” Zer0 said.

Rhys wasn’t entirely sure if that was intended to be a compliment or not, “Thanks? You, uh, look the same. Not that that’s bad or anything. Unless you’ve got something different going on under there.”

“I don’t dress up very much / Not really my thing,” they admitted, adjusting one of their gloves, “Maya and Gaige try / Treat me like a dress up doll / I don’t really mind.”

Rhys wondered if they’d ever let him pick out clothes for them. They’d probably fit in his own, although they were slightly taller and infinitely thinner than him. His face went red as he realized that would involve them being out of their suit around him.

He tried to ignore the fact he was hypothesizing about what was under there, in varying degrees of un-appropriateness, “Well, uh, well let’s get going then!”

They nodded but to his unsurprised discomfort he found himself standing in front of the fast travel station again. Vault Hunters loved those damn things but Rhys sure didn’t. This time they didn’t punch in a code, instead selecting a preset labelled “Highlands- Overlook.”

One horrible, twisting journey later he found himself standing in the middle of a ramshackle town. Rhys felt a pang of guilt as he noticed a Hyperion banner dangling far out of reach. Bullet holes in it indicated the townsfolk had tried to shoot it down. Zer0 didn’t notice though, waving to a coughing woman who seemed to be some sort of leader to the people milling about. Rhys awkwardly imitated it as the woman waved back.

He didn’t really get why Zer0 had brought him to an old Hyperion town full of sick people, feeling nothing but relief as they started walking away from it.

Getting a view of the valley below through the rusty shacks he started to get why the alien had dragged him way out here. Despite yellow buildings infesting the hillside it was still beautiful. It didn’t look like any part of Pandora he’d been on before with wide expanses of emerald green grass and crystal lakes in place of endless desert and rancid pissholes.

Rhys jumped as he heard a digital ghost scream a loud ‘CATCH A RIIIIDE,’ echoing slightly while Zer0 fiddled around with a beat-up looking machine. In a second and a flash of pixelated blur they were digistructing an intimidating black and red vehicle.

He had seen the Outrunners Vault Hunters drive before and found himself not looking forward to riding in it. If there was one thing he was learning about himself while living on Pandora it was that he hated all the standard Vault Hunter modes of transportation.

Zer0, however, didn’t hesitate to jump up into the driver’s seat in one fluid and impressive motion. Thankfully they seemed to realize Rhys’s physical limitations, crouching over and extending a hand to pull the CEO up.

Rhys has immediately overtaken with giddiness at that, having been keeping himself at a polite distance from the assassin despite his touch-literally-everything nature. He excitedly grabbed the four-fingered hand, letting the assassin roughly pull him up into the runner. Yeah, he was being manhandled pretty gruffly by hands that normal don’t come into nonviolent contact with other living beings as he was awkwardly placed into the gunner’s seat but hey, touching is touching.

He did pout when Zer0 let go and dropped back down to the driver’s seat though. He clumsily crushed his legs into the gunner area. Frankly, he was fairly uncomfortable with the large mounted machine gun in front of him too as he uncertainly decided to make sure he wasn’t going to be firing it, “This is… one huge gun. We’re not going to need it, are we?”

“Probably a bit / It’s simple to fire though / Do not be concerned,” Zer0 said calmly, adjusting some ambiguous looking dial on the car.

Rhys immediately panicked, “I’ve barely even shot a normal gun, I can’t fire this!”

The blank helmet turned to him, immediately making him feel like the lamest loser on the face of Pandora. Oh look at little baby Rhysie, too much of a whiny little sissy to fire the big, scary, psycho-shredding machine gun. Boo-hoo.

He wasn’t complaining when the alien crawled back up there with him though, reaching around him and grabbing the gun. The runner shook violently as they demonstrated how to shoot it. Rhys did not like that, even with Zer0’s thin chest pressing against the back of his head as they crouched over him like a feral animal.

“See? It is easy,” they asserted again as the sharp din of the gun died down. To Rhys’s dismay his hands were grabbed and placed on the gun as he was prompted to reluctantly fire the heavy gun, sending an uncomfortable rattling up his mechanical arm.

His discomfort increased as the alien presence left and again jumped down into the driver’s seat. As they started rolling Rhys’s guts twisted into a knot at the concept of firing such a massive gun from such a rough and tumble car. He’d also kill for the security of a seat belt right now.

Not to mention, dear god, have Vault Hunters ever heard of a speed limit?

Green mountains speckled with yellow building flew by and Rhys could have sworn he saw a couple of beat-up looking Loaderbots wandering just beyond a river way in the distance.

Frankly, it would have been the scenic route if not for the sudden and terrifying realization that massive tentacle monsters were bursting from the ground as other reptile-like creatures seemed to flash in and out of existence around their car.

Within a second Rhys was screaming his brains out while Zer0 calmly ran over creatures he couldn't even see.

“You should stop screaming,” their voice cautiously carried over the din of animalistic death screams, “You are bringing attention / Just shoot the threshers.”

It didn’t stop the CEO from blindly screeching as he tried to awkwardly aim the heavy machine at the tentacled creeps. Mostly because he wasn’t keen on the idea this date turning into one of those skeezy backwater ECHOnet hentai vids. If he was going to go flying out of this vehicle in a raw deboned Rakk breast he’d rather take his chances with the Invisibl ASSHOLES.

Despite the nightmarish situation he found himself quietly laughing because he knew somewhere in there was a joke about a different type of “invisible asshole” he’d like to take a chance with. Heyo.

Zer0 knew not that Rhys’s laughter was in regards to less-than-pure thoughts about themself and their peculiar ability to vanish from sight but they flashed a “:)” nonetheless, putting the fear of god into the CEO at the sudden and terrifying concern that the alien could read his mind. Mercifully they couldn’t and were just happy he seemed happy but dear fuck, the possibility was mortifying.

The terrifying ride through the hillside wasn’t long though as they reached their apparent destination.

Looming over them, there didn’t seem anything special about the tower in particular. Just a slightly rusted building with yellow paint chipping off it. It didn’t take a slightly unhinged Eridian-specialized scientist to figure out it was another remnant of the Hyperion occupation.

He felt a pang of guilt once more but wasn’t given time to ruminate on it as Zer0 extended a hand, saying one of their rare non-haiku sentences, “Shall we?”

Rhys wasn't entirely sure what he was agreeing to but obediently grabbed it, feeling near immediate regret mixed with excitement as he was tossed over an armored shoulder as the ground quickly grew further and further away.

He was slammed into the roof of the tower nearly hard enough to knock the breath out of him a few seconds later. Coughing a few times he observed Zer0 calmly digistructing a small bundle wrapped in white with a twisting blue pattern on it. Hands lacking a finger deftly untied it, revealing highly decorative and unusual looking food.

Had Helios not been a bastion of luxury Rhys wouldn’t have recognized the rolls as sushi, although he couldn’t remember the name of the far off planet they were from. They were nigh impossible to find on Pandora, to the CEO’s delight, “Did you make those yourself?”

“No, Maya did it / Although I helped cut things up / I am not a cook,” they admitted, somewhat unwillingly as they held one of the decorative boxes out to Rhys.

“Either way, haven't had this since…” he started before trailing off, realizing they were sitting on some ruins of the very company that owned the space station he’d spent most of his adult life on. That hung in the air awkwardly as they stared into the distance. It hit him that the silhouette in the distance looked familiar: the failed Hyperion city of Opportunity. More guilt considering he knew Zer0 had been among the Vault Hunters that had hunted down Handsome Jack.

The assassin was unperturbed by this, looking passively in the other direction, towards the grassy green hills. They idly wondered if they should have picked somewhere more comfy to sit but damned if they didn’t like being high off the ground. They moved to dangle their legs off the tower, Rhys reluctantly joining him. He wasn’t crazy about being so close to the edge but had enough faith in the assassin no letting him topple off the building like Humpty-fucking-Dumpty.

They seemed fairly surprised, at least by their standards when Rhys spoke again, “You, uh… how do you feel about the fact I used to work for Hyperion? I mean, I know you and your friends were the ones who killed Jack. Can’t imagine bright yellow brings back good memories for you.”

“I don’t really care,” they shrugged, returning to looking at the beautiful scenery, “I am an assassin, Rhys / I’ve killed everyone. Hyperion, Dahl / Tediore, Maliwan, Torgue / Any company. All the same to me / I am not for or against / Any specific ones.”

Something in the back of his head acknowledged that it was fucked up to feel relieved that Zer0 killed truly indiscriminately but he relaxed considerably, fumbling awkwardly with the chopsticks he’d been handed as he finally started eating the lunch sitting on his lap. 

He was surprised to see Zer0 holding one as well, neatly gripping a piece between the sticks. For a stunned moment Rhys thought they were going to remove their helmet as they tightly gripped the bottom of it and lifted. It was only enough to jam the morsel into it though, their face still remaining disappointingly concealed.

However, as they chewed Rhys took a weird comfort in knowing they at least had a mouth under there.

Then a sudden discomfort as he realized that statement could still be possibly incorrect.

In his distraction he dropped the second piece harmlessly back into the container as he failed to get it to his mouth. He clumsily tried to grip it again. Then again. Each time it just landed back in the tray. God, it was like being in college again. He half expected to turn his head and see Vaughn and Yvette exaggeratedly showing off their chopstick skills, poking food into his good eye.

Instead he was just surrounded by a surprisingly beautiful valley with a surprisingly interested in him super cool alien assassin.

That he was dropping his food in front of like a goddamn fool.

He just stared down, avoiding eye contact. Or rather, the lack of eye contact he supposed. Did Zer0 even have eyes?

They definitely had hands though, specifically ones that were expertly snatching up a piece of the sushi and lifting it up to his mouth expectantly.

Rhys’s face went bright red as he excitedly leaned forward and accepted it, absolutely giggling through the mouthful like a massively overgrown schoolgirl, “Thanks.”

Zer0 just flashed a bright “<3” in response.

To his delight, the assassin continued to feed him. They thought nothing of it but frankly Rhys was ecstatic. He really hadn’t expected anything typically romantic from the alien so he’d absolutely take it. Even if it didn’t really mean anything to Zer0.

“So what'd you do before, you know, Vault Hunting,” he asked, swinging his legs.

“Nothing of much note / Started because of boredom / Continued for fun,” they said, empty helmet nodding, “Life as a hitman… / Honestly not exciting / Death, always the same. There is no challenge / There is nothing new, ever / Just killing cowards. Just day after day / It was monotonous / Mindless, endless noise.”

“Like paperwork,” Rhys quipped.

To his surprise Zer0 actually laughed, monotone and mechanical sounding as they nodded their head, “Yes, just like paperwork.”

Rhys decided to take a chance on the sincerity of that amusement, scooting himself closer to the alien.

They didn’t seem to know what to make of that for a horrifically awkward second. Eventually a surprisingly light arm draped itself over his shoulders, an iron grip pulling him closer. Yeah he felt slightly crushed but if you’re crushed against your crush it’s a bit of a rush. Oh ew, what a horrible wannabe-Dr.-Seuss-ass sentence. Look, he’s excited. Pretend I told you that in a normal way.

There was a peaceful silence for a second as they stared out at the crystal clear lake before Zer0 spoke again, “Is this less awkward?”

“What?” Rhys asked, trying to pointlessly crane his neck to see the blank slate of Zer0’s ‘face”, “Are you… not having fun?”

“I am having fun,” they cautiously continued, “I just… the last one / It was awkward, right? I mean…”

Rhys laughed, relaxing again against the alien’s nearly emaciated side “Oh yes, less awkward. Way less awkward.”

Zer0 flashed another “<3” as Pandora’s sweltering sun started slowly sinking into the horizon.


	4. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys plans for Vaughn, Fiona and Sasha to meet Zer0 and his Vault Hunters to assuage their fears over his assassin beau.

Rhys couldn’t really recall a point in time in which he’d been happier than the last few months.

Sure Zer0’s undivided attention was occasionally a bit intimidating and it was nerve wracking when they’d disappear for days on end then show up again suddenly as if nothing had happened. As far as he was concerned the pros outweighed the cons.

Namely the pro of “holy shit, the super unbelievably cool alien assassin likes ME.”

There was really only one downside that truly disappointed him. It wasn’t surprising though that Zer0 wasn’t terribly cuddly. They were letting Rhys get closer to hanging all over hem but at an absolutely glacial pace. Like, we’re talking letting him lean on them while they watch a movie.

Things hadn’t been perfect of course. Zer0 was constantly stumbling over cultural differences and had the tendency to literally run away in embarrassment. It was frustrating to say the very least. Especially since they’d show up a couple days later and refuse to acknowledge the incident. Hell, Rhys still wasn’t entirely sure what had triggered the alien’s flight instinct for a majority of the cases of it.

His friends certainly weren’t crazy about it, especially Vaughn who was really the only one of them who’d seen the assassin since. It hadn’t been a pleasant meeting. They’d all but stumbled in, bright red blood dripping from their notably shined helmet and the hilt of their undigistructed sword.

When the Vaughn tried to awkwardly express concern for his best friend’s weird, creepy significant other in order to be supportive Zer0’s answer had only made the situation more terrifying.

They’d just simply stated “the blood is not mine” and flashed a creepy, soulless “:)” emoticon at him.

Vaughn quickly made an excuse to leave and had all but ran out of the apartment.

It was only a day later that he received the news that the Pandoran sisters were coming back pretty much specifically to yell at him for being a suicidal sack of stupid ass.

Of course, the two had also insisted on staying at his apartment.

After their first night staying there his once immaculate living room looked like a war zone.

Fiona ignored the fact he was tapping a certainly far too expensive boot at her and her sister, “Alright so we’re settled in-”

“You’re only staying a week right?” Rhys said, cutting her off with laser precision.

She waved a blue-nailed hand at him dismissively, “Whatever, you know why we came back. The whole ‘suicide by assassin’ you’re clearly angling for. Vaughn says your beau apparently likes to randomly show up covered in the blood of their enemies and you’re way too okay with it.”

“And I take it he’s also told you that I’ve literally never been in danger and they don’t threaten me right?” he stated, “Or does he just focus on the negatives.”

Sprawled out on the floor, Sasha poked at a bright red stain on the rug he hadn’t been able to get out, “Rhys, I think ‘blood splattered assassin’ randomly showing up is basically the definition of being in danger.”

He leaned against the back of the couch in irritation, “If you spent literally any time around them-”

“Well, we don’t. All we get are second hand accounts from an ex-accountant. A very panicked one. I know we haven’t been over there yet but I’m pretty sure I could find some brand spanking new grey hairs on him if I rooted around,” Fiona said, digging a hand through her own messy bed head in imitation.

“What if I set something up?”

Fiona made a confused noise in response, cocking her head at him like a damned Skag pup.

“If I set up some weird… meet-my-family-that’s-not-actually-my-family thing? Will you maybe let up?”

Fiona narrowed her eyes, “Maybe.”

Rhys sighed, pulling out his phone and walking to the other room.

\---

Of course, the sisters stayed well beyond that week.

He hadn’t even bothered pretending otherwise considering he’d set up what was bound to be the most awkward dinner two weeks away. He had convinced them to at least move into one of the other multitude of vacant apartments in the nigh abandoned building.

If he’d had this way it would have been sooner in fruitless hopes that it would have shoved the sisters out of his apartment but no such luck. Apparently Zer0 intended to bring the entirety of their Vault Hunting group. Have you ever tried to get a gaggle of Vault Hunters to show up in one place at one time? It’s like herding cats but the cats have guns and also travel haphazardly all over Pandora doing god knows what.

That prospect was mildly concerning as well, considering Rhys really hadn’t seen most of them since that awkward first date. On top of that, that didn’t include the other two whom he knew almost nothing about. Zer0’s stories about Vault Hunting were usually incredibly vague.

Zer0 had seemed weirdly excited about this though, as much as a faceless and monotone alien can physically make themselves appear at least. They’d stopped by multiple times over the past couple weeks despite previously almost refusing to step into the apartment. They even stayed over a few nights.

However, to Rhys’s disappointment, they slept in their full suit on the couch despite offers of pajamas and to share his more than big enough bed.

They also slept sitting up which was mildly disconcerting to say the very least.

At least he was fairly sure they were sleeping.

Either way as the day arrived Vaughn and the sisters showed up first, unsurprisingly considering how close their apartments are.

Several uncharacteristically quiet moments passed, as if they’d forgotten how to be casual around each other. The obnoxious faux-retro digital clock on the wall ticking away annoyingly being the only sound in the near silent apartment.

Right as the clock struck 7PM the first of the Vault Hunters showed up.

Zer0 was flanked by an intimidating but beautiful Siren and a ratty looking teenage girl. The latter was grabbing their wrist as they waited, forcing them to swing it along with her. They greeted their boyfriend normally, apparently used to being clung to, “How are you tonight?”

“Good, good, uh… well you know Vaughn and those are- uh, okay maybe we should wait until everyone’s here first before we deal with… introductions,” Rhys said, falling all over his words like a shoddily stacked house of cards, “Your other three haven’t showed up yet.”

An obvious fact, especially considering most of the loudest parties weren’t here.

“I’m completely unsurprised,” they nodded, knowing full well that wherever the other three were at they were probably all waddling after a certain ex-soldier’s easily distracted ass, “Going to be late.”

“Probably,” the Siren cut in, “They wanted to stop for booze first and we decided that maybe at least half of us should be here on time.”

Rhys awkwardly settled into one of the two arm chairs, Zer0 immediately perching on the side like an overgrown bird. The sisters found themselves divided on the couch as the two other women settled in. Fiona tried not to go too red faced as the blue haired Siren politely nodded at her. Holy shit she was even prettier up close.

While Fiona awkwardly dealt with the intimidatingly aloof woman Sasha found the redhead all but hanging off her, apparently having no concept of personal space. The little sister ignored her initial impulse to scoot away and let the scruffy teen lean up against her.

Before the situation could turn more awkward the boys showed up surprisingly close to on time, their yells easily heard through the door.

Rhys opened the door for them, nearly bowled over by the stocky commando hefting as many six packs as his muscular arms could manage, “All right, people, who’s ready to party?!”

A warning glare from the Siren briefly silenced him but the yells were only doubled as a terrifyingly squatty and muscular man waddled in behind him. Tripled and got considerably more confusing as a massive psycho ducked under the doorway.

Rhys immediately recognized the raving behemoth, feeling the same instinct to flee as he had in Sanctuary as the masked giant stomped past him. The sisters were all but shitting themselves as he loomed towards them before dropping to the ground like a sack of bricks, crossing his legs like a freakishly overgrown toddler and leaning against one of the Siren’s legs.

The military man dumped the beers on the coffee table flashing an award winning smile at the newcomers, “I know, I know. I’m stunning and you’re asking yourselves, ‘Who is this gorgeous hunk of man? How can I better get to know him?’ Hopefully especially you aaand, oh yeah, you. Definitely you.”

He pointed to Sasha and Vaughn in turn. Sasha just gave him an eye roll followed by dead-eyed stare, compounded upon by the warning glare from the Siren perched between her and her sister. Vaughn definitely didn’t look nearly as repulsed though, giving the commando a once over and an approving nod.

“Well, he’s down at least, I’ll take it. Axton, ten years of Dahl experience, at your service. Also like ten six pack's worth of beer, if my own six pack isn’t to your liking,” he said as he swept his arm in an arc at his offering.

The Siren rolled her eyes again before standing up, commandeering the introductions, “I’m Maya. I’m sure at least half of you know what I am and if so- don’t worry. I don't incinerate people’s brains. Not on the first date at least.”

Rhys and his gang mercifully weren’t given time to ask themselves if that was a joke or a threat as the other Vault Hunters started laughing.

The girl with bright red hair perked up next, “I’m Gaige!! Robotics expert and mechromancer extraordinaire! And this is-”

She was halfway through jumping up, metal arm starting to raise as a black void appeared around her arm, stopping her. Fiona tried to politely ignore the raised and glowing tattoo’d arm in front of her face as Maya spoke authoritatively, “No. Deathtrap. In. The. House.”

Rhys and his group were quietly grateful that whatever was named ‘Deathtrap’ wasn’t going to happen in his apartment.

Apparently Maya was taking no chances with their last two as she took over, pointing at the short and terrifyingly muscular man, “That’s Salvador. ‘The Gunzerker,’ as he likes to call himself.”

Sal puffed up, a proud child being praised by their mother. He’d taken to leaning on Vaughn’s chair, apparently feeling some sort of weird small-and-buff connection to the man. It wasn’t reciprocated, Vaughn looked mildly disgusted at best and mildly terrified at worst about being singled out by the ripped corgi of a man.

A thin hand of hers gently patted the psycho on the head, seemingly uncaring about the vicegrip the giant had on her ankle, “This is Krieg. He’s harmless, don’t let his appearance intimidate you. Or the screaming.”

He went unnervingly silent for once as he quietly scrutinized the new people, looking for signs of danger.

Maya carefully tugged on a strap of his mask to adjust it, causing him to jump a little “He’s nervous. We figured it probably wasn’t a good idea to let him bring his buzzaxe. He doesn’t like to be unarmed.”

They decided to politely ignore the fact the massive psycho could obviously beat them all to death with his bare hands and disturbing ease if he wanted to.

“Zer0… I don't really think they need an introduction. I mean, there’s not really much I can say that you don’t already know and what I could say is completely private to them.”

She gestured to Fiona, somewhat arbitrarily deciding the older sister must be their group’s leader. Rhys tried to hide his indignation at that. I’m the CEO of an entire business and- and I’m the boss okay?

The smile lit up her face though, partially from the Siren’s attention and partially because fuck you, twig man, ha ha I win, “I’m Fiona, training to be a Vault Hunter too. With Athena.”

Her exuberant pride caused her own friends to roll their eyes but the others seemed impressed hearing the ex-lance assassin’s name. Despite the rocky start, Athena had become a respected member of Sanctuary in remarkably little time.

“That’s my little sister Sasha,” she nodded at her, “Helped me blow up the Traveller from the inside. In a vaguely suicidal way.”

More impressed, Rhys noticed Zer0 shift forward at that with a sharp pang of jealousy.

Fiona swung out a leg to nudge at Vaughn’s shin, “This is Vaughn. He’s Rhys’s best friend and was the one who fired the moonshot cannon at the Traveller, being the big shot leader of the Children of Helios and all.”

“Stooooop, you’re gonna make me blush,” he said, aiming what was probably intended a playful kick back. She successfully stifled a yelp as she forced herself to slowly bring her now injured ankle back to a normal sitting position. Can’t look like a baby in front of the hot babe Siren. But, shit, that was gonna be a bruise. Ow. Ow. Dark bruise. Jeez, he’s tiny but built like a solid brick, fuck.

She couldn’t be angry looking at that face though. Vaughn was still beaming over at her with his big ole bright blue eyes shining, not terribly used to praise from anyone but Rhys.

Fuck it, she’ll take her discomfort out on Rhys, who was all but begging her to not insult him. A worthless plea that she was going to ignore with all her might, “You guys know Rhys. I had to carry around his shoe for a few weeks once because he’s a big baby who can’t dress himself.”

Mismatched eyes bore a hole into the side of her skull while she pointedly ignored him and everyone laughed.

“Alright, enough awkward introductions. Let’s get some drinking games going!” Axton yelled over the others, ripping open the nearest box of bottles to pass out them out. Thankfully for Rhys’s pristine floors everyone caught the flung bottles easily. Well, Zer0 had caught his for him but either way none of them had shattered across his nice, clean floors.

The commando shoved Salvador off of Vaughn’s arm rest before settling himself in next to him, nearly dwarfing the man as he crushed up against him. While the Sal seemed to be irritated his chance at a weird friendship with the man being usurped Vaughn was more than happy to have that replacement.

It wasn’t long before they were loudly exchanging stories. Rhys kept nervously glancing around but for all intents and purposes his friends had seemed to very quickly be accepting this. He knew Fiona and Sasha were big on family so seeing Zer0 having one is something nice and familiar to latch unto.

Vaughn… well, he was distracted to say the least by the bulky commando’s attention. Frankly, that part was kind of weird for Rhys. He knew his best friend had had boyfriends before but he always seemed to obtain them in secret. It was kinda freaky to see him actually flirting. Hell, half the time he had a feeling it was almost like Vaughn was intentionally not introducing them. They were never around for long anyways.

Seeing the two interacting he was struck with the sudden realization that Vaughn might have been hiding more secret boyfriends than previously thought. He watched as Axton expertly tugged the tie out of his best friend’s hair adding the vague concern that those two weren’t going to make it out of his apartment without clothes coming off.

Rhys’s attention quickly was diverted as a surprisingly light body started wedging itself between him and the chair. At that he realized he’d been staring at the other two men long enough for Zer0 to notice.

Thankfully, despite there were much worse conclusions the alien could have come to, they decided their boyfriend just wanted attention too.

They were still less affectionate though, long fingers grabbing his wrist in a weird, foreign possessiveness. Despite that he could still feel the other Vault Hunters sneaking looks at their sixth in surprise at ANY degree of public affection.

It wasn’t long before they started filing out of the apartment though, splitting into three groups. It seemed that the girls had decided on “drunken sleepover”, Axton was heading towards Vaughn’s apartment with him and Salvador was leading Krieg towards the fast travel station. He was yelling something in Spanish that the rest could only assume was agitation that he had nothing special to do tonight.

Zer0 didn’t seem to be in a rush to leave, still curled up on the chair they’d been sharing. They flashed a “<3” at him when he closed the door behind the complaining Truxican.

Rhys walked back to them, squeezing in next to them again because if they were feeling cuddly for once he was definitely going to take advantage of that. He was delighted when they actually put their arm around him, chancing asking them a question, “Are you gonna stay tonight?”

A bright “?” lit up their lack of a face, “Yes? Obviously?”

They stared at each other blankly for a second before Rhys decided to gamble on more questions, “I’m not objecting to you staying or anything, I mean, you’re welcome here whenever you want but it’s uh, not that obvious? Why would it be obvious?”

He immediately realized how rude that sounded but it can get pretty frustrating when your partner gives you nothing but super vague signals then acts like it’s obvious.

Rhys felt even worse as Zer0 immediately tensed up, reverting back to their hunched over, almost animalistic state as they tried to stand up and leave. He’d seen it enough over the past few months to know exactly what was happening and he really, really wasn’t having it after such an otherwise pleasant night.

Zer0 halted immediately as Rhys grabbed the back of their belt. They looked at him and despite the blank helmet their confusion was obvious.

“Look, can you not do... this? The running away thing?” he asked, trying to tug them back unto the chair which was working surprisingly well.

Zer0 remained standing there, half ready to bolt before slowly lowering themselves back down.

They said nothing though, staring at the door.

“Look… I don’t… know how things are for, well, whatever you are and I’m usually okay with that but just… when things are wrong or you don’t get it or I don’t get it could you just… talk about it? Instead of running away? Because the running away really stresses me out.”

They looked back at him, guiltily, with a large red “:(“ inches from his face.

“Just… why are you upset?”

“I am very confused, Rhys / Why you set this up…” they started before trailing off. They stared at the door again and for half a second he thought they were going to make a break for it.

How to broach the delicate subject of ‘my friends are fucking terrified of you’? Well, we’re just going to go with ‘completely ignoring that angle.’ He chose his words carefully, “Because my friends wanted to meet you? Is that… not normal?”

Zer0 looked back at him, “Earlier you said / Friends can be more important / Than family, correct?”

Rhys was surprised they had clung unto something so small he’d said on the first date but shrugged, “Yeah? That’s why I wanted you to meet them? I mean, I can call up my actual family on Eden-5 if you want that instead.”

They shook their head, bright red ‘////’ across this mask, “No, that is not it / We do not do this unless… / Things are serious.”

For a shocked moment Rhys thought Zer0 had taken a simple evening with friends as a marriage proposal before things clicked into place, “You thought I was asking you to move in with me.”

They tried to bolt up and make for the door but were grabbed by the belt and tugged back down before they could get their balance. They looked at him with a “:(“ of betrayal.

“So, meeting the family, or friends in this case, is something more serious to you. Specifically moving in,” Rhys said, hanging onto the back of Zer0’s belt while he twisted this cultural Rubik’s cube’s colors into place.

They were looking more like a trapped animal by the moment as they nodded, staring at a wall in self defense.

“Yeah, it doesn’t mean that to humans but… you can? If you want.”

A bright red “?.”

“Move in. You can move in if you want. I mean, I wasn’t kidding when I said ‘you’re welcome here whenever you want.’ If that just means a more permanent status here, I’m fine with that.”

Zer0 jerked around alarmingly fast with a big “:D” far too close to his face.

Too cute, Rhys could have died on the spot.

He really hadn’t tried before but he awkwardly leaned forward and planted a kiss on the cold material on the front of Zer0’s helmet, roughly where their mouth would be if they were human.

When he leaned back they flashed a “:*” at him in response.

It was late though and Rhys was delighted when Zer0 actually started following him to his bedroom.

Maybe he’d actually get to see what was under there.

Unfortunately, a few minutes later, he just found that same icy visor pressed uncomfortably against the back of his shoulder as Zer0 curled against his back wearing every single piece of armor they always did.

Metal straps poked uncomfortably into his side as rough fabric rubbed against him as the alien made themself comfortable. They immediately went completely still as he assumed they fell asleep.

Despite being unconscious, their death grip ensured that the edges of the armor continued to stab at poor Rhys as he tried to fall asleep too.

This was definitely not the type of hard things he wanted jabbing into his body right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't go into this planning for Axton to go home with Vaughn but that's what ended up happening.
> 
> He's probably having a better time than Rhys right now who pretty much just had an alien awkwardly watch him change then crush against him in full armor after they repeatedly tried to run away because humans are confusing.


	5. Obscured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys gets used to living with his weird alien beau.

While Rhys was happy his friends seemed to have let up on the whole Zer0 issue it was still incredibly weird for him having Zer0 actually living with him.

He hasn’t lived with another person since Vaughn back in college. Considering his best friend can be best described as “mild mannered accountant” it was leagues different than “incredibly nervous, bordering on paranoid, alien assassin.”

Over the past couple months he quickly learned to accept they came and left at weird, random hours. Initially Rhys found that concept exciting, romanticising it as if he was a 1950’s housewife waiting for her husband to come back from the war. The first few times Zer0’d even waited to say goodbye before leaving, obediently ducking their head a bit to let Rhys kiss the front of their helmet. Plus despite being told multiple times they could just come in they would still would politely knock on the door before entering.

However it wasn’t long before they got what Rhys could only assume was more comfortable. Either way it went from picture perfect hellos and goodbyes to waking up suddenly alone and later screaming at the figure lurking in your kitchen at 3AM after three days of being gone.

That was another thing; Rhys was a good ninety-nine percent sure they could not only see in the dark but vastly preferred it.

He’d never seen them turn on a light, only flick them off as they passed them. Of course, every light in his house had a dimmer (because classy) which Rhys started keeping politely set as low as possible.

Disappointingly they had stalwartly remained wearing the suit. He’d made a point of leaving clothes out for them but they either hadn’t noticed or didn’t care. It was absolutely eating Rhys up on the inside to not even know what they look like after all this time. Such a delicate situation though, he didn’t want to push his luck. Especially with Zer0 tendency to run away when startled or uncomfortable.

But for now Rhys was just sprawled out on the couch, another night alone. He knew he should have gone to bed about five hours ago but he’s the CEO and that stands for… shit, can’t think of a witty acronym that means ‘I do what I want.’ Whatever. Rhys. CEO. I do what I want.

He was already planning on calling in. Vaughn wouldn’t be happy about it but he’d make it up to him later.

However, as he was planning on exactly how to appease his best friend’s mild irritance he felt a hand grab his ankle, causing him to jolted it away from their grasp with a yelp. Zer0 just looked at him with a “:(“, halfway to sitting where Rhys’s legs had been resting.

“Oh my god, I’m going to put a bell on you,” Rhys managed to force out, trying to bring his body back to a state of normalcy from the sudden spike of adrenaline.

As if making a poor attempt to help Zer0 grabbed his ankle again, pulling carefully until his legs were resting across their lap. Okay maybe it wasn’t the worst attempt at being comforting. Rhys relaxed a bit as a four-fingered hand started slowly running up and down his shin.

“That wouldn’t work, Rhys / Enemies would hear me too / A good way to die.”

Rhys wasn’t entirely sure if they were serious.

“You’d take it off when you leave the apartment. Just when you’re in here, like a cute little housecat,” he said with a smile, poking at their stomach.

It was muffled but Rhys could have sworn he heard a soft, scratchy noise in response.

He propped himself up on his elbows, giggling, “What was that? Are you ticklish?”

This time one of their hands firmly grasped his ankle as he tried to prod at their underbelly again, flashing a “>:(“ at him.

“It’s cute.”

“Assassins are not… / Supposed to be cute, you know / We are frightening.”

“Well, you did scare me like five seconds ago… but now you’re back to cute,” Rhys said, nodding as he laid back down.

He jumped again as Zer0 abruptly appeared over him, a more insistent “>:((“ on their face.

They switched it to a “>:3” as their calm voice asserted, “See? I am scary / I am not cute at all, Rhys / Scary assassin.”

“You- Okay… yeah, you can NOT assert you’re not cute, very scary with a kitty face emoticon.”

They flicked it off, leaning closer to Rhys’s face in an attempt to regain their terrifying dignity.

It failed to intimidate but also didn’t reinforce cuteness either. The clearly false hostile gesture simply made Rhys acutely aware of the fact Zer0 was all but pinning him down. Frankly now he was just more interested in keeping things moving in that direction.

“Okay, okay, you’re right, big, scary assassin. You’re absolutely terrifying.”

“I am,” they said, obvious pride managing to force its way past their monotone voice.

“I mean, you could do literally whatever you wanted to me and I couldn’t even begin to stop you. Just… absolutely anything,” Rhys said, managing to hook one of his long legs around one of Zer0’s own solid limbs. He was batting his eyes at the alien like a goddamn Olympic flirter going for the gold.

It was completely lost on Zer0.

A bright “:)” flashed before they benignly and carefully collapsing on him in an awkwardly and incredibly pointy imitation of cuddling, “I wouldn’t hurt you.”

The irony of the armor painfully stabbing into his side was not lost on Rhys.

He tried to squirm into a more comfortable position to no avail before giving up and deciding to just look on the bright side; Zer0 was lying on top of him, in between his legs more specifically. A surprisingly compromising situation from the usually reserved creature. Not to mention the blindingly bright side that maybe tonight he’d get to see what was under that suit.

Rhys managed to free his arms, wrapping them around their neck, “Yeah, I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I’m not talking about you doing things to hurt me. Just that, you know, you could do whatever you want. To me, I mean.”

They just stared at him, completely and utterly confused. Obvious, even through their blank helmet. Like they couldn’t comprehend an option beyond “violence.”

It was a level of what almost seemed like willful ignorance that Rhys had no idea what to do about. He laughed nervously before deciding to get as direct as possible, voice getting almost theatrical, “I mean… okay just imagine it with me. The unbelievably sexy assassin sneaks into the house to hunt their prey but wow, they are entranced by the gorgeous but completely helpless CEO.”

“I did not sneak in / Said I was always welcome / You gave me a key.”

“No Zer0 just… it’s a story okay? I’m not done yet.”

“Okay.”

They looked baffled.

Rhys continued, “It’s not long before the assassin falls into the CEO’s arms in a fit of passion.”

Zer0 had no objections, this was vaguely accurate to their current situation.

“It isn’t long before all their clothes are on the ground…” he trailed off, tugging up the bottom of his shirt in an attempt to entice literally any reaction of out of Zer0.

There was a horrifically awkward silence with a bright red “...” plastered on Zer0’s lack of face.

After a second it switched to “!!!” followed by a shocked clamber backwards that sent Zer0 over the opposite edge of the couch. There was a loud slam accompanied by clattering noises as they hit the ground.

Rhys clumsily shoved himself over to make sure they were alright, “Holy shit, are you… you okay?”

Zer0 was momentarily a pile of limbs on the ground, a blazing “////” lighting up their helmet. Had you asked Rhys to describe it he would have said it was like seeing a cat that had missed a jump and crumpled on the ground in embarrassment.

In a heartbeat they were on their feet though, adamantly trying to pretend they hadn’t just made a damned fool of themselves, ‘I am okay.”

Rhys immediately felt guilty, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out…”

“It is… okay. I am in the wrong. I am sorry.”

The weird staccato sentences were jarring. Rhys had gotten so used to haiku sentences it was weird hearing them talk like, well, a normal person. For lack of a better way to put it.

The thundering ticking of the clock reminded him of exactly how late it was.

“You’re not wrong just… why don’t we go to bed, okay? It’s crazy late,” Rhys said, standing up and walking towards the room. It was a massive relief to watch Zer0 turn and follow him. He wasn’t looking forward to just being jabbed by armor. He decided in for a penny in for a pound, holding up a second set of pajamas to Zer0, “You know, you can borrow my clothes whenever you want? They’d probably fit you pretty well. Maybe a little baggy.”

Zer0 wasn’t stupid. Neither was Rhys. It was obvious to him that they knew his intention was to see what was under that helmet. Even though he’d politely avoided directly asking all this time. Of course they’d noticed him leaving clothes out for them before. They were just… ignoring that for now.

They refused, climbing into bed in that damned suit.

After an awkward night of uncomfortably trying to cuddle with an armored assassin Rhys woke up alone.

For an agonizing week Rhys thought he’d completely blown it.

He hadn’t heard or seen Zer0 since that night.

Rhys had tried to reach out to the other members of Zer0’s team and, to what was the closest he’d get to relief, they all seem to have been suddenly called out on an urgent mission.

It didn’t stop him from constantly feeling like he was about to throw up though.

Quiet, almost imperceivable noises woke Rhys up in the middle of the night a little over seven days later.

“Zer0?” he asked groggily, fumbling to turn on the dimmer light on as little as possible.

Rhys hadn’t exactly expected Zer0 to make a big show of taking off their suit but he also hadn’t expected them to just suddenly be standing there, clad only in one of his baggy Atlas hoodies hanging limply off their coat hanger thin body.

From what he could see Zer0 was even thinner than he had previously imagined.

That was the first thing he noticed but it was quickly overshadowed by the sheer bizarreness that they just… didn’t look all that different.

It was immediately obvious that whoever or possibly whatever had designed and created Zer0’s suit had specifically made it to look like their body. Very dark grey skin with light ribbed patches which looked to be less tough. Over both went tough white armored plates, for lack of a better term, covering their joints.

Their head was separated into two halves, The lower half constituted their lower jaw, an odd paler grey, almost skeletal. Their weird mouth the meeting place between the two, the top slightly overlapping the bottom. Both were straight lines barring two pointed triangles at the edges on each half. Like dull fangs.

The tough upper half greatly resembled their helmet. Shiny, black and solid.

Well, aside from the bright red eyes that were staring at him. Specifically four of them, two sets, one right on top of the other, blinking slowly out of unison.

They lacked pupils but were clearly looking at him.

After a few seconds Rhys realized Zer0 wasn’t just staring at him, they were waiting.

Presumably for a reaction.

Rhys sure as hell gave them one, childishly enthusiastic and maybe a little too loud, “Holy shit, you look so cool!”

They flinched slightly at the loud noise, nearly closing their bright red eyes, but the discarded helmet resting on his bedside table lit up a glowing “<3”.

He tried to restrain himself but excitedly rolled to the edge of his bed, nearly tripping over himself to try and actually kiss them on the mouth. They obliged but as his lips collided with hard, overlapping… well, he didn’t know what to call them. Whatever they were it was very, very obvious that they had not evolved for kissing. His mouth kinda hurt now.

Rhys pulled back tugging Zer0 towards the bed to sit, excitedly examining them while they quietly obliged, “Wow! I mean, I knew you were an alien but… wow.”

“It is cliche but, to me? You are the alien.”

It didn’t go without notice that their mouth didn’t move when they talked.

It also didn’t go without notice that Rhys had noticed.

Zer0 hooked a long finger into the top of the hoodie, pulling it down to reveal a bright red diamond shaped implant, shiny and lightly glowing as they spoke, “I cannot talk. Technically. Vocal cords not suited for human speech.”

That only excited Rhys more who was now gently poking a little invasively at the exposed pale white parts of their skin, “So what do you actually sound like?”

“Unpleasant. To humans, at least.”

“C’mon what am I doing to do? Make fun of it? Leave? No, duh, let me hear,” he excitedly grabbed at their hand.

Yeah the strangled screechy raptor-like noise they made really was pretty unpleasant but Rhys was way too excited to care. It was followed by low hiss and a much less horrible clicking noise which sounded almost inquisitive.

Rhys smiled and laughed, “What’d you say?”

“Not… really a language. Either never developed or lost to time. Probably the latter. Implants standard for several millennia.”

He didn’t seem to care flopping back on the bed, smiling ear to ear, “You know, you could probably say my name with your real voice though. It’d be pretty easy to screech.”

“It is late. You should go back to bed.”

Rhys rolled his head towards them with a whine, “But you just-”

“It will be normal. This. No suit.”

Rhys begrudgingly agreed, moving to squirm under the sheets.

His mind immediately stopped complaining as Zer0 pressed against him as usual, although he felt much less like a little spoon being stabbed to death with a fork now. Yeah, sure Zer0’s body was a little armor plated but nothing deathly uncomfortable.

It was a little disconcerting though when he felt them suddenly go limp, a fact previously hidden by their trappings. Apparently they were capable of falling asleep instantly. Or dying. He noticed they weren’t breathing and for about that for half a second thought maybe their suit was protecting them from alien diseases and now they’re dead and it’s his fau-

Zer0 shifted slightly, their weirdly thin arm pulling him closer.

Okay so maybe they just don’t breath and that’s normal and okay.

To his delight he learned something else a few minutes later that had also been obscured by their strict adherence to the suit.

They purr when they sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I'm crazy bad at describing non-humans in depth so if you're confused by my description of Zer0 please just look at my drawing of them: [HERE](http://catisacat.tumblr.com/post/136427775667/second-and-significantly-better-attempt-at-a)


	6. Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zer0 starts moving their weird-ass stuff into Rhys's apartment and he feels like it's time to broach the subject of "hey a Handsome Jack AI was living in my head for a while."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Dr. Farnsworth Voice* Good news everybody! I got more ideas for chapters so this'll be longer than originally planned by at least a couple chapters. Maybe more if something pops up? I don't force more chapters but maybe more will come up naturally.

Rhys has expected that if Zer0 did indeed own worldly possessions it would be a while before they started moving them into his house.

He also had had no doubt that they would be incredibly weird objects. Eventually strange alien items would start showing up in his house. He thought he was ready for that.

However, you really can’t prepare yourself to be on eye level with the ripped off “face” of your previous boss, mounted proudly on a featureless bust with his name and date of death neatly engraved onto a plaque underneath.

But, ready or not, Handsome Jack’s mask was now a morbid decoration in his living room.

Zer0 had dragged other grim trophies into his house as well but this one had the weird tinge of “I kinda knew this guy or his digital ghost at least.”

Of course, he’d only ever seen Jack in person once.

Oh man that situation still weirds him out. He’d contemplated telling Zer0 a thousand times but how the hell do you even bring that up? ‘Okay yeah so I had this weird digital copy of Jack in my head for a few months like two years ago.’

Plus there was the huge caveat that he still had it.

The ECHOeye that Jack was contained in.

Not even Vaughn knew he’d kept it. Rhys knew that even his best friend would think he was nuts for keeping the digital copy of a man who tried to strangle him to death with his own arm. He’d question him about it and even Rhys himself had no good explanation for why he hadn’t smashed it into the remains of Helios when he had the chance.

It resided in his backup repair kit in a small jewelry box that had once held a pair of disgustingly expensive cufflinks. A birthday gift from Yvette.

He felt frequent guilt knowing it was there, whenever it dared to cross his mind. The Tell-Tale Eye. He had frequent nightmares about it laughing, laughing as it waited. For what? He had no clue. He had perfect control over it. The eye would trouble him no more.

But now? He had Jack’s eyeless mask staring him down while he tried to watch TV.

Rhys just tried to ignore it but the creepily lifelike nightmare always made him feel watched. He’d lost the odd comfort that was living with a top notch alien assassin, replaced by a combination of Jack’s omnipresence and being acutely aware he was obviously connected to the man Zer0 had presumably brutally assassinated.

It didn’t go without Zer0’s notice that Rhys was constantly eyeing that particular trophy. They weren’t unobservant although they were entirely wrong about the reason why.

Of course Rhys would be paying attention to their most prestigious trophy.

Nestled among trinkets taken from smaller targets the mask stood out as a crown jewel of their collection. They didn’t get many chances to kill planet-conquering dictators. Not to mention Jack’s vanity made their prize instantly recognizable. He wasn’t a faceless tyrant, no, he was Handsome fucking Jack and they’d turned him into a human shishkebab.

Okay well maybe he’d literally became a faceless tyrant after Zer0 had pried the mask off his skull but you know what I mean.

Either way they puffed up with pride when Rhys looked at it.

Rhys took the way they stiffened up much differently though. He knew they couldn’t possibly know about the hidden ECHOeye but he knew Rhys’d been Hyperion and maybe they could tell he was keeping something from him.

Hell, for all he knew, maybe Zer0 was concerned he’d turn out the same.

All he knew right now was that their empty red eyes seemed to see and know all.

It came to a point on one random night after they wandered in at midnight to find Rhys standing a couple feet from the case, staring down the mask. The bowl of cereal in his hand betraying he’d been distracted while getting a late night snack.

Rhys froze like a deer in headlights as he felt Zer0 lurk up behind him, a thin chest pressed lightly against his back as they tossed their helmet onto the couch with a small whump. A weird, conflicting mix of comfort and nerves flooded him.

“I struck the final blow, you know.”

Their pride was not evident in their voice. A lament of their translator implant’s programming; it couldn't overcome their own natural lack of tone. Like most things they said it just sounded vaguely like a threat.

Rhys couldn’t think of anything remotely intelligent to say to that, feeling like he was walking on eggshells, “Uh, must’ve been hard with so many other Vault Hunters around.”

“Not so much. Advantages. Even before the end I could easily see what they could not. Can’t hide from the hidden. Others, willing to listen to him rant. He spoke of Opportunity. I took it. My blade, his heart.”

He was jerked even more to attention as he felt fingers prod him in the upper back, a harmless imitation of where Zer0 had run Jack through with his sword. Unintentionally threatening nonetheless.

They could be oblivious but they weren’t stupid, quickly jerking their hand away as they became acutely aware of how uncomfortable Rhys was.

Couldn’t begin to figure out why though so they just slunk a bit to his side, their stiff face regarding him carefully. Two sets of red eyes blinking slowly out of unison.

“Something is wrong.”

A blunt statement.

They really couldn’t imagine what could be wrong though. Frankly, Rhys should feel safer than ever. Should they continue on to how they helped kill The Warrior? That one was much more of a team effort though, much less telling of their own prowess.

Rhys had no idea how to approach this but he knew he’d feel better if he just… admitted it.

“Look… it’s a long story, let’s… sit down, okay?”

It was only about twenty minutes to explain the nightmare he’d lived from start to finish but it felt like an eon. The botched Vault key deal, Nakayama’s drive, finding the Gortys core (they shot him a look at that but had to admit they really hadn’t given Rhys a way to get ahold of them), the Jack AI, the mess with Vallory, the troubled trip back to the station, Helios’ fall.

Jack trying to kill him. Breaking off his own arm. Ripping out his own implants.

The fact he still had the eye.

He felt even guiltier holding the offending box out in the open.

Zer0 took it, carefully opening it to reveal the bright blue ECHOeye. Unremarkable despite its contents. They examined it closely, mostly a bit curious about examining something that had previously been in Rhys’s skull.

Their curiosity seemed incredibly benign, putting Rhys a little more at ease. Only a little though. It was weird but he was kind of possessive about that and he kept half expecting Zer0 to smash it on the ground. The worst part is that they probably should.

“What is the issue then? He is trapped,” they stated, tapping gently on the edge of the box.

“I’ve got a weird Handsome Jack AI trapped in a body part he literally made me rip out of my skull with a shard of glass in self defense and I don’t want to destroy it for some reason? That’s kind of a problem.”

Zer0 examined it one more time before carefully snapping the box shut, “No. It is not a problem.”

Rhys just kinda stared as Zer0 put it back in his hands, “Uh, how so? ‘Cause from where I’m sitting this is a pretty big problem.”

“Destruction alone is an empty victory,” Zer0 started, gesturing towards the mask they’ve encased on glass, “To take something from a fight is winning. Tangible although metaphoric.”

Rhys continued to look confused.

Zer0 simplified, “You have a trophy. Of course you do not wish to destroy it.”

He stared down at the box before opening it again.

“Your prize is a prison as well. There are fates worse than death. He now lives that.”

Rhys looked up at them with a smile, “You’re right.”

“I usually am.”

Their own cold, nearly robotic laugh mixed with Rhys’s more genuine one.

Zer0 spoke once more, “Would you like to get a display case for yours as well? Or a frame?”

Rhys smiled wider and nodded. His smile twisted into a smirk as he chanced an incredibly morbid question, “Hey, if you’d assassinated me what would you have taken?”

“Arm,” they decisively stated, tapping a bony finger on the silvery metal.

“You sound like you’ve thought about that.”

“It is your most defining trait. Besides your heart. Which I already took.”

Rhys’s face lit up immediately at that, going from normal adult CEO to blushing prom date in record time. He set down the box with the ECHOeye on the coffee table to bury his face into Zer0’s slightly bloody suit.

They nipped at one of their gloves to pull it off, tossing it to the side before happily tangling it into Rhys’s unfixed hair.

Zer0 made a mental note to pick up a nice frame for the eye.

They could hang it above the mask. A set. Death of body and mind, end of a legacy.


	7. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys's birthday is coming up and they end up discussing the particulars of Zer0's own childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact it is also my birthday next week so I grabbed the idea to do some random, quiet world building about Zer0's species. Also because cute alien babs. You know, for as apathetic as I am about human babies you'd think I wouldn't be into alien ones but I'm all about it.

Zer0 was a bit fuzzy on the concept of birthdays.

Not necessarily what they were, of course, they’re not stupid.

Just didn’t get why it was a big deal.

They didn’t have any clue what day they’d been “born” on. Even if they did know the particulars of their tumultuous tumble into existence what day would count? The day they were laid? The day they were hatched? Would they have several?

Regardless, they’re been to birthday parties. Gaige’s. Maya’s. Salvador’s. Axton’s. The one for the weird arbitrary day they’d assigned to Krieg. He’d been so excited though, evident even beyond his madness, as Gaige hopped up on a chair to put a colorful pointed hat on his head.

After that party they’d all asked Zer0 if they wanted a party too. Suggested they use the first day of the year, right at midnight. The first 00:00 of the year they’d claimed.

They’d declined.

They were somewhat surprised Rhys hadn’t asked yet but he generally didn’t push at boundaries too much so Zer0 supposed that was normal.

Zer0 felt kind of guilty about that, knowing how intimidating they can be and knowing that was probably why he always looked mildly mortified to ask questions. They don’t mind questions from people close to them. It’s just that nobody ever tries to ask.

As apathetic as they were about their own birth Rhys was evidently ecstatic about his.

He generally left his calendar up on his computer, his robotic hand letting him write directly on the screen. He’d circled the day several times and doodled stars around it.

Zer0 didn’t know what to do about this. Vaughn was already planning him a big party and frankly it was probably a better plan to leave it up to his nearly lifelong best friend than “weird alien with only secondhand birthday experience.”

Honestly, they hated parties and wasn’t looking forward to having to go to one. Plus over the past half a year or so they’d learned exactly how much of a novelty they were to Rhys’s more normal friends. Especially the ones he wasn’t close to. Vaughn, Fiona, Sasha? They’d been around enough to have the weirdness of the alien assassin wear off.

Hell, Vaughn hadn’t even flinched the last time Zer0 had wandered in at some ungodly hour and all but curled up on Rhys’s lap to watch a movie with them.

But now Rhys was excitedly holding a copy of the invitations Vaughn was going to pass out and looking over at them with evident glee with a question they didn’t have an answer to, “So my birthday’s next week but when’s yours?”

Zer0’s silence wasn’t enough of an answer so he just shrugged noncommittally.

Rhys’s face dropped, “Don’t want to say or don’t know?”

“I neither know when nor what you would count as my ‘birth.’”

Wide eyes staring at them made it obvious Rhys wasn’t going to be taking vagueness for an answer for once. He at least had the common courtesy to not look excited as Zer0 mentally sighed and continued, “My species do not give birth. At least not in the technical meaning of the word.”

“What do you mean? You had to be born, I mean, you’re standing there now. Alive and junk.”

“Not born. Hatched.”

The answer delighted Rhys, “So you were a cute lil’ egg at some point?”

Zer0 had never thought about eggs being cute. The tiny little screeching babies that claw their way out, sure, but not the eggs themselves. Humans are weird.

“Yes, I was in an egg.”

“So I guess you’d have a hatching day instead. You don’t know when you were hatched though?”

“No.”

“Is it… normal to not know when you’re hatched?”

“No.”

“Can I ask why you don’t?” Rhys chanced, scooting over and leaning his face against the cool, tough skin of Zer0’s arm.

“Our first date, I mentioned my family is dead.”

“Well, humans have orphans too. They still typically know things like their birthday and… I just don’t know how things are for your… people?”

Zer0 tapped their fingers against the hard plates protecting their knees before continuing, “I do not know much myself. I was a baby. Dead. My parent, four other hatchlings. Or should have been. Smashed before hatched.”

“Do you… do you know who killed them?”

“No. My species makes many enemies, given our high number of assassins. Could be any of them.”

“How do you become an assassin?”

“Get your family killed, disturbingly common for us. Make good warriors. Less chance of attachments. Some extreme cases who wish to become assassins kill their entire family themselves.”

“What so they scooped up little baby Zer0, put a sword in your hand and made you a killer?”

“Yes. Well. There is extensive training. But essentially, yes.”

“So… the worst hatchday possible and then a shitty childhood…” Rhys mumbled, turning the invitation guiltily in his hands, “Uh… sorry for talking about my birthday so much… you don’t have to come.”

“I want to come. As I said on our first date. I do not remember them, it does not make me upset. Besides. My childhood was not bad.”

He felt better about that but now there were more interesting, happier topics at hand, “Okay so, tell me about it then. I want baby Zer0 stories, we’ll call it a birthday gift. Ooo! Do you have pictures? Lil’ alien baby pictures?”

They nodded, letting him gently flop against the couch as they stood up and returned with an alien looking tablet. He’d seen them use it a few times but spending time fiddling with non-combat electronics wasn’t that interesting to them. He was careful with it but was quickly ecstatic when he saw the small alien with four impossibly huge red eyes holding some weird little fuzzy creature they’d evidently captured.

“Oh my god…” he muttered, wondering if this device could send pictures to his own. Flicking through the photo gallery there were more baby aliens toddling around with little Zer0, eyes a wild and random array of colors. Really the only way to tell them apart considering their matching outfits which resembled plain grey dresses.

“Assassin Academy. Not a bad place to grow up. Other hatchlings to play fight with. You know. Hit each other with sticks and scream.”

“So, all kids are the same. Even if they’ve got more eyes than normal. And you could probably hit at each other harder, you’re less squishy. Do you keep in contact with any of them?”

Zer0 tapped on the screen, over a yellow eyed one and a bright blue eyed one, “Both of them. They are incredibly far away though. Takes a while to get a signal.”

“Names?”

“We don’t really bother with names. The orphans, at least. I didn’t have one until I was around humans. They picked it out for me. Zer0.”

“Do you miss your home planet?”

“No.”

“Not even a little?”

“Not at all. Academy, not a bad place to grow up. Planet, a bad place to live. Assassins, supposedly our respectable legacy. Instead, our embarrassment and fear. Mentioned my own family killed by enemies. Not unusual. Associating with assassins makes you a target. From the public? Disrespect at best, outright hatred at worst.”

“Everyone likes you here though,” Rhys said, perking up and gesturing to the photos he’d already gotten framed. He’s a sentimental one and it was the first thing he’d done when he learned Zer0 had no physical copies of their pictures. Their Vault Hunters pictures smiled right next to Rhys’s own pictures with Vaughn and the Pandoran sisters.

“Yes. I am happy here. I have my friends. I have you.”

Rhys smiled and pretty much just rolled into their lap at that, a childishly cooing mess with long arms keeping around their neck to keep him from falling off.

“What about you?” they asked.

“Huhn?”

“Your childhood. It is your birthday. How have past ones been?”

“Well… I’ve said my parents never really cared about me but they liked to keep up appearances so they threw a big party every year. Even if there was no one to come. Really can’t decide if that was good or just embarrassing. My sisters came but, you know, kind of just ignored me and ate my cake.”

“You are excited now. I assume things changed.”

“Yuhp! Middle school. Met Vaughn and once I got one friend I got the confidence to make more. Most of them were pretty shallow and plastic but a room of people who decently like you is better than an empty one. Plus, you know, Vaughn being there.”

“This birthday will have more real friends.”

“Yeah, been getting better and better every year on that front. Plus, like you said about me, I also have you now. I get less cake now though.”

“You are a CEO. You can buy as many cakes as you want.”

Rhys stared wide eyed at them for a second before staring into space, “Holy crap, you’re right. I can buy as many cakes as I want. This is… a dangerous freedom.”

“I will help you with exercising reasonable restraint. I do not claim to be a human expert but I do know that you should not eat nothing but cake. Not good for you.”

With some difficulty he rolled over on their lap, chest resting on their legs as he swung his long-ass legs back and forth like a teenage girl on the phone, “What if I ask really nice though?”

“I am good at staying objective.”

It didn’t deter Rhys though, letting his metal hand creep up their inner thigh, “I’m good at being persuasive.”

Frankly, he didn’t know why he still tried to seduce Zer0 given its history of seeming to go over their head but here he was giving it his all. He was starting to wonder if they actually knew what he was angling towards but just didn’t want to.

That or maybe it was a physical impossibility. He’d never seen them naked before. When they were outside the suit they always wore one of his baggy hoodies and a pair of shorts that he assumed were some sort of under armor.

It was a bit of a disappointing idea to Rhys but he could live with it. Also extensive time with his left hand, apparently. But as of right now, he just wasn’t sure.

Regardless of the reason this time was probably no different than the others, Zer0 just ran a hand through Rhys’s hair affectionately, “Your longterm health is more important than your momentary happiness. Besides, here are other ways to make you happy. You are easy to please.”

Rhys continued cautiously, “Yeah I can think of a few ways you could definitely satisfy me. Maybe more than a few.”

He was carefully pushed onto his back and for a very excited half a second he hoped they were about to- nope, no. Zer0 just nuzzled their head under his arm, resting in the crook of his neck as they reached for the remote. Rhys had showed them the joys of TV recently and they’d been marathoning some old Helios show.

Despite the fact he’d been angling at something more… carnal, shall we say, he was always more than happy to just curl up with them.

This is going to be his best birthday yet.


	8. Sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys gets sick and Zer0 gets worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long, Overwatch hit me like a freight train and playing Overwatch is what I do now. Trying to get back into the swing of writing and drawing again between obsessively playing.
> 
> On the plus side, if you too have joined Overwatch Hell I did write a few short ones for that and intend to continue. Mostly Widowtracer and Reaper76.

It all started with a sneeze. That was something Zer0 never liked. A sudden uncontrollable loud noise, bursting abruptly from an otherwise safe being.

Rhys thought it was cute the first time Zer0 skittered away like a terrified animal at that, way back when they’d first started staying over. They’d heard sneezes before of course but usually it was from a respectful distance, not coming from someone curled up under their arm. In a heartbeat Rhys had found himself flopped over on his side, Zer0 standing about ten feet away staring at him.

A beat or two passed and the creature had carefully slunk back, curling an arm around him and cuddling up again.

Right now it was long after that first sneeze, frankly after many of them. But this week it was nothing but that.

Rhys felt bad, watching Zer0 flinch harshly each time. It was just about the only time he ever saw all four eyes close at once. It would have been cute if it wasn’t so obviously out of distress. If there’s one thing he’d learned quickly with a suitless Zer0 it was that they didn’t like loud noises.

Thankfully Rhys didn’t mind making his apartment as dark and quiet as possible, even if he was a bit tired of stubbing his toe on the furniture.

That wasn’t the problem right now though, as he reclined on the bed after sticking a thermometer in his mouth. He knew he was running a fever either way but it doesn’t hurt to know how bad the situation is.

Frankly it wasn’t looking good. He was running the gamut of symptoms, everything from burning up to dizziness. Vaughn had already offered to come be his nurse, in lieu of Zer0 being off on a mission but Rhys had a feeling they’d be coming home soon anyways. He wasn’t a man above lavishing in pity affection. He was actively looking forward to being a massive drama queen until he was being absolutely fawned over by his alien beau.

He smiled as his prediction came true. A series of quiet clicks. Carefully opened and closed doors. Rhys knew all too well to listen for the signs of Zer0 creeping back home.

A flail of three long limbs as he squirmed under the blankets, trying to make himself look as miserable as possible. An effect easily achieved by the fact he felt like death itself.

Zer0 didn’t notice at first, calmly walking into the room and shedding the layers of armor in favor of a baggy Atlas sweater of Rhys’s. His emmy nomination performance of “sick man waiting on death’s doorstep” faltered for a second watching that. Always his favorite thing to watch, even if Zer0 never lost the under armour shorts. Hopefully one day those would go too.

Finally done making themself comfy they turned their attention to Rhys. Head tilting quickly as they regarded him carefully before crawling across the bed to him.

He flinched though as they suddenly tapped the device dangling from his mouth, “What is this?”

Quickly he removed it from his mouth, not wanting to chance the glass breaking if Zer0 should try to investigate it more thoroughly, “It’s a thermometer.”

He did his best to look sad about that. But Zer0’s two sets of bright red eyes just slowly blinked out of unison as they waited for more of an explanation. The only thermometers they’d ever encountered were just outside to measure the hellish heat waves of Pandora’s endless wasteland.

Seeing he was getting nowhere on starting this pity train Rhys just pouted, “I’m sick.”

He nearly choked at Zer0’s immediate reaction to that, too thin arms quickly wrapping around his neck and squeezing entirely too tight.

Really wasn't prepared for that. He squirmed a bit, thankful when Zer0s deathgrip let up a little. They still clung though. Rhys’s already too red face lit up even more at the attention as he smiled widely and hugged back, one armed as his robot arm was lying ignored on the desk.

A hand still clung to his wrist as Zer0 finally released as they started to nervously investigate him.

Rhys didn’t want to give up the gig though, although he tried to lay it on a little less thick as he talked, “Can you get me a glass of water?”

He didn’t even have time to bat his eyes pathetically before Zer0 had flitted away and returned, glass already in hand. Rhys smiled as he settled deeper into the bed as he sipped at the glass. This was going to be a good couple days, illness aside. Maybe he could even extend it into a week.

The first couple days were great, other than the fact he felt like shit. Zer0 wasn’t really an aggressively affectionate creature but for whatever reason they were constantly hanging off of him like his least favorite dress shirt hung on a hanger in the back of his closet.

But whatever he wanted, whatever he needed? Zer0 would run and get it. As long as it was in the apartment. They’d always been a bit paranoid but this was new, this weird agoraphobia.

Day three was when things started to get weird though, as Zer0 started to get aggressive about the fact Rhys’s friends weren’t visiting them. Completely ignoring the fact Fiona and Sasha were halfway across Pandora and Vaughn was taking over his duties for Atlas.

Right now one of their slender fingers was irritatingly fiddling around with Rhys’s phone, trying to figure out the password, “It is not right.”

With some difficulty Rhys managed to free his phone from their grip, mostly due to the fact Zer0 was well aware that fighting against that might hurt him on accident. They let out a nasty screeching noise in response but Rhys shoved it under his pocket, by now completely used to those unearthly noises.

He responded a little more annoyed than before, “It’s not a big deal. Besides, if they come here they might get sick too and if Vaughn can’t run the company I don’t really have anyone else to.”

Quietly he admitted to himself he didn’t have too many friends. Ouch.

Zer0 was undeterred though, “It is. They should be here. Safety precautions can be taken.”

Rhys rubbed at his eyes with a groan, “It’s not worth it. It’s a lot of mess for very little payback. Just… don’t worry about it, okay?”

A hand quickly darted out, grabbing his chin and training all four of those empty red eyes on him, “You are worth it.”

For a second that stunned Rhys before he collapsed into a giggly schoolgirl mess, running his hand through his own hair with as he tried to avoid that piercing eye contact, “Stop, I’m already burning up I don’t need to be blushing on top of that.”

They let go before curling their legs up under themself, hands on their knees. Rhys supposed they were placated but they weren’t. The gears in their mind were turning quickly. Shiny, black head turned abruptly, looking at the clock ticking away across from the bed. Midnight.

Rhys jumped as they suddenly rolled off the bed and started pulling their jumpsuit back on.

He questioned them as they started adjusting their helmet, “What are you doing?”

“I am going to get him.”

“What?”

“I am going to get Vaughn. Bring him here.”

Rhys started to get up, “Come on, Zer0, don’t bug him he’s had a long day.”

A firm hand just pushed him back down before, “I will be back soon.”

Before Rhys could further protest Zer0 was out the door. He whined and sunk further into his bed, Vaughn was going to be angry. Probably. Okay maybe not angry but he needed his sleep too.

It took no time for Zer0 to zip down the hall, startling Vaughn awake with the loud banging on his door.

They stood there for a few minutes to complete silence.

Vaughn, on the other hand, was trying to find something to stand on to look out the peephole.

After several more bangs he decided, fuck it, and grabbed the gun he kept in the coat closet. Several clicks later he opened the door as much as the chain bolt would allow him, peeking out carefully to see Zer0 standing there.

It was only a mild comfort. Although he’d grown much more comfortable with the alien he didn’t like that they’d shown up in the middle of the night unannounced. He tried to not sound afraid, “Can… can I help you?”

“Your best friend is sick / Why haven’t you visited? / I’ve come to get you.”

Vaughn looked at them strangely but decided that sentence wasn’t a threat despite their questionable phrasing, closing the door to released the chainlock and open it fully, “Did he… get worse or something?”

The man was admittedly always a little nervous about something bad happening to Rhys. Zer0 didn’t reply, just gestured for Vaughn to follow and follow he did. He was only more confused as the two of them walked into Rhys’s bedroom only to see his best friend looking at the very worst a little ragged.

Both humans looked at Zer0 in confusion, who appeared to have not come up with a plan beyond ‘get Vaughn here.’

“Am I missing something?” Vaughn asked the both of them, gesturing at Rhys, “He looks fine. Ish. Well enough.”

Zer0 shot Vaughn a look which made him wither.

Rhys got legitimately angry at that, “Don’t look at him like that, why are you being so weird about this? I’m going to be fine in a few days.”

They completely froze up at that, letting the seconds awkwardly tick by while Rhys and Vaughn got progressively more uncomfortable. Unseen by the two men their eyes were darting around as they quickly turned that over in their mind.

“Going to be… fine?”

“Yeah, just a cold or something?” Rhys asks, not even sure himself now.

“You are… not dying?”

That hung heavy in the midnight air, Vaughn getting increasingly irritated about being woken up for this. He rolled his eyes and started walking out, “Okay, yeah, I’m going back to bed. Call me if you get worse, Rhys. Also no more midnight panicked alien visits please. I don’t need grey hairs at twenty-nine.”

As he left, Zer0 cautiously perched on the end of bed not looking at him. Rhys was much more sympathetic than Vaughn though, “You thought I was dying?”

“Yes. Probably. My species do not have a good success rate when we get sick. Immune systems, not built to deal with alien disease. Once it gets past the first lines of defense. Pandora, full of aliens. You are from off planet as well. I assumed.”

Rhys didn’t like the implications of that, starting to realize the grim possibilities of them catching some horrible Pandoran disease, “So if you get sick, you’ll die?”

“Probably. A chance I would live. But I would most likely die,” they said, making a move to take off their helmet again.

Rhys grabbed their arm, “Maybe you should leave that on then? I don’t want you catching this, especially if it’s going to kill you. Why’d you even leave it off in the first place?”

They shifted uncomfortably but left the helmet on, “Unlikely to actually catch it. Incredibly small chance. Only deadly if it settles in.”

“Still, you’re usually way too careful about things. It’s kinda… sloppy of you.”

Thin fingers played with the sheets, “Would rather you be comfortable. Than I be safe.”

They jumped as Rhys smacked at their arm, “Don’t do that, it’s safety first. No safety-second-to-another’s-comfort.”

They seemed rebuffed for a second but quickly got over it, swinging their legs up so they could lean against the pillows with him, “Humans are confusing.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Rhys said, pulling the blanket out from under them to wrap them up in it too, “I’ll be okay in a few days. You’ll keep doting on me though, right? I like that.”

“I can,” they nodded.

Zer0 said no more as they reached up to turn off the light. They had no idea if sleep helps sick humans but it can’t hurt. It seems to be the human reset button. Maybe tomorrow Rhys would feel better. Of course, they could still hang around and fawn all over him. For a few days at least. Until a mission called them away.


	9. Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zer0 and Rhys have been together for nearly a year and Rhys intends for them to have the perfect night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait have some non-spoiler notes!
> 
> First off, the last chapter (Sickness) has been edited pretty heavily to include a big part I left out. I reread it for writing this chapter and realized I'm stupid. Fixed it.
> 
> Rest of the notes at the end.

It’s been a year since Rhys first came across the grisly gift that had been left on his doorstep.

He was delighted, of course, especially knowing that this year he wouldn’t be waking up to another dead body. Hopefully. Zer0 at least seemed to understand that Rhys didn’t like such unpleasant gifts left on his doorstep.

Not to say he hadn’t taken advantage of having a normally exorbitantly high priced assassin in his pocket. Many enemies of Atlas had fallen into the sights of Zer0’s sniper rifle.

But the alien kept that at a polite distance from Rhys.

So this year? Nothing but romance. Even though he knew he’d largely have to plan it himself, unless he really did want the gift of a dead enemy. Or some other archaic and potentially terrifying gift.

He was also hoping to breach something that had long gone ignored.

Zer0 wasn’t unaffectionate. If anything it was almost like having an overgrown, humanoid cat frequently draped over his lap. Not to mention how much they enjoyed running their long, thin fingers through his hair.

But despite spending so many nights with the alien curled around him nothing of a more carnal nature had happened at all.

He had no idea how to seduce whatever kind of alien Zer0 was. Rhys has made several attempts to figure out what their species was actually called. He’d religiously purged his ECHOnet search history of his numerous tries to find a four-eyed race with a carapace, vocal implants, assassin tendencies, ect.

Nothing had turned up though. Rhys was starting to wonder if Zer0’s species had specifically seen to that. It wouldn’t surprise him.

Most of what he’d planned for their anniversary was pretty much a stab in the dark. He wasn’t as worried as he could have been though, Zer0 was generally pretty accepting of most human traditions. Seemed to like being included in them at all, really.

When he’d first heard that there were vacation spots on Pandora he’d assumed Fiona was just trying to fuck with him. It really was the last thing he expected when asking what Pandorans do on anniversaries.

It wasn’t until she started pulling out crumpled brochures that he’d started to believe her.

“Have you… ever been to any of these?” Rhys cautiously inquired, waving it at her warningly.

She smacked it away, “Kind of. I’ve driven in for like a few minutes, maybe pickpocketed a few rich people, then skedaddled but this is mostly just where hoity-toity weapons moguls and vault hunters go. And you’re one of those things and kinda the other thing. In a less badass way.”

“Thanks for your unconditional support, Fiona.”

“You’re welcome. But seriously, from what I’ve seen they’re pretty damn nice. Also Maya told me Zer0 likes being there in their own weird way. She thinks they’d like it there more if there was more privacy. They couldn’t really swim in their armor. She said they just kinda sat in the shallow end and ‘looked disappointed.’ Whatever that looks like.”

He knew exactly what disappointed looked like from Zer0 but Rhys ignored that comment and shuffled back to the one advertising private pools for disturbingly exorbitant prices, “So somewhere like this?”

“Yeah that looks ni-”

“Wait, have you been hanging out with Maya?”

Fiona looked down at the watch she wasn’t wearing, “Oh wow, it’s getting late I need to not be here talking to you right now. Oops, look already halfway out the door.”

She narrowly dodged a grab from Rhys and made good on her threat to escape the office.

For half a second he considered chasing her down. His legs are longer than hers and the icy cold death grip of his robot arm is hard to escape from.

Looking down at the brochure he figured he could grill her about that later. He had a trip to plan.

However, as always, he was never alone in his office for long.

Vaughn poked his head in a few minutes later, “Uhm, is there a reason Fiona just hightailed it out of here like a rakk out of hell?”

“She was just helping me plan what to do for me and Zer0’s anniversary,” Rhys stated as he handed the winning pamphlet to Vaughn who scrutinized it.

“So it’s, uh, it’s been a year, huh?” he weakly offered before handing it back.

“Yep!” Rhys chirped, cheerily oblivious to Vaughn’s disappointment, “And nothing’s gone horribly wrong! That’s a first for me. I mean, remember how bad my last relationship ended?”

Vaughn leaned up against the side of the desk, nodding, “Yeah that… that one really went nuclear. Surprised that it took a second go-around for you to actually blow up Helios because that fight nearly did the job.”

“Hey, could have avoided this whole Pandora nightmare if that’d happened. I mean, we’d be dead but, eh.”

A stifled laugh burst from Vaughn before looking down resigned, “You’ll have a lot of fun. I’m happy for you.”

“Don’t worry,” Rhys said, punching Vaughn in the arm, “You’ll find someone. You’re on a planet that seems to actively hate shirts, that’s in your favor.”

“Yeah but you made me start wearing them at work.”

“Work is different,” he said, brushing off the joke, “Fiona seems to be going out with Maya right now, you’ll find a nice Vault Hunter to settle down with too. You seemed to be getting along with Axton at that party, why not get ahold of him?”

Vaughn’s demeanor changed instantly, face going red as a smile struggled to remain hidden, “I’ve… hung out with him a couple times.”

“So everyone’s shacking up with Zer0’s friends,” Rhys laughed, “Do I need to call Sasha and make sure she’s not lurking around that huge Psycho or something?”

“Nah, I don’t really think any of them are Sasha’s type. I mean, I think she’s buddied up with Gaige a little but I’m pretty sure it’s in a completely platonic way. Just being mechanics and stuff.”

“Well,” Rhys mused, “We can always ship her back up to Sanctuary. Lot more Vault Hunters there.”

For a few minutes the two entertained the idea of trying to set Sasha up with someone up there. Mostly making jokes about the more terrifying matches they could make. What, you don’t think she’d like Salvador? Krieg?

Vaughn eventually departed though, leaving Rhys to make the plans for the anniversary trip on his own.

Zer0 of course had no problem with going on a trip. Hell, by the fact they kept bringing it up over and over they seemed kind of excited. Despite how nonchalantly they tried to act every time they asked something about it. They’re a creature that gets antsy being in one place for too long.

Standing in front of the hotel it was even more obvious.

Which was a damned good thing considering exactly how expensive this trip was going to be.

Rhys smiled up at Zer0 who was looking around as subtly as possible. Almost imperceivable head movements but things like that had become second nature to identify for him.

The building was impressively clean, far beyond the meager standards of Pandoran cleanliness. It was even ballsy enough to boast white curtains and floors despite this planet’s propensity for bloodshed. Frankly the massive guards that were trying to casually blend in probably saw to things staying that way. Or at least tried to.

Right on the water’s edge, the view out of every window was gorgeous. They’d set out way too late, the sun already slowly setting, but the golden light illuminating the water was a great start to this. Far more fountains that should be feasible littered the main lobby as well, trapping the sparkling light in them.

Many hallways branched off of it, boasting everything from a bar to a restaurant to a gym that Rhys was fairly certain had never been touched in its natural life. Nobody in here looked like they were ready to up and break a sweat. Even the tough looking ones didn’t seem like moving around was in their top priorities right now.

Pandora’s richest littered the lobby. Between a major gun corporation CEO and one of the most infamous Vault Hunters they could recognize nearly every face in the crowd. Some good, some bad, mostly neutral. Zer0 certainly didn’t like the no weapons rule either way though. Especially considering a few of the more dodgy Hunters that were eyeing the crowd with evident hunger. Wolves in sheep’s clothing and staring at a veal buffet.

Unlike Rhys he didn’t have any stock placed in the huge guards trying to stare the troublemakers down. Especially as the man was being stared at stealthily. He was a high value target. Zer0 hunched down, trying to look as predatory as possible. Smarter Vault Hunters knew not to fuck with the assassin but the dumber, more violent ones saw their slim, lanky frame and thought ‘this’ll be easy.’

They felt an odd jealousy towards their more physically intimidating friends. The sheer bulk of Krieg or the commanding military presence of Axton would be useful right now. Hell, a twisting mass of blue tattoos going up their arm would be even better. Even the stupidest Vault Hunter knew fucking with a Siren was a death wish.

Behind the helmet four eyes flicked to Rhys’s face and his happy obliviousness which was really not a comfort to Zer0. Just like the other rich people he was unaware of the potential danger.

Eventually he was brought back to attention as the bellboy surreptitiously shot Rhys a look, correctly assuming him and not the assassin was the source of far too many bags for a weekend trip. He decided to politely ignore the glare. There were about five bags more than necessary and he knew it.

When they got to the room it was guarded by a suspiciously well armored door. Seems the workers were smarter than the rich people who paid to stay here.

Only Zer0 noticed this though, Rhys was more concerned with the decor. It maintained the same pristine white theme although with some lovely ocean blue accents, topped by having its own pool. The very reason Rhys had chosen this location. It was a decent size too, nothing massive but enough to actually swim around in.

“Wow,” Rhys mumbled, “Classy.”

Zer0 just nodded, calmly putting the bags into a neatly organized corner while silently checking to make sure the room was free of cameras or microphones. Thankfully it came up empty. Curling long fingers under the base of the helmet they took it off, blinking against the blinding white of the room. Even with the curtains closed the morning light was harsh on their eyes.

Rhys had completely different ideas swirling around his head right now which would hopefully be a good distraction. He hadn’t lost sight of his one mission goal for this weekend; finally, successfully, seduce Zer0. Hopefully tonight so the rest of the weekend could be spent canoodling.

He collapsed in on the impossibly soft ocean blue bed, in the most seductive way a too tall bundle of limbs can, “So, what do you want to do first?”

Despite chanting in his mind for Zer0’s answer to be ‘You, Rhys’ his stomach had other plans.

The loud grumble resonated in the otherwise silent room. There was a quiet shuddering hissing noise from Zer0, what Rhys had long figured out that was what laughing was to the alien. It didn’t fail to bring a smile to his face though. He loved it when Zer0 made actual noises instead of using the implant.

“Well. It seems we don’t have much of a choice. Do we?” they mused, “The restaurant downstairs. I assume.”

Nuh-uh, leaving the room tonight wasn’t going to be an option if Rhys had anything to say about it. His metal knuckles rapped against the lamp on the bedside table as he quickly grabbed the room service menu, “No, no need, let’s just get them to bring it here. A nice private dinner. You can’t really eat in public anyways unless you want to shove it under your helmet. Which probably isn’t terribly comfortable.”

“It is not,” Zer0 conceded, fingers tapping on the offending helmet before hooking it off and setting it on the bedside table.

The same poor bellboy was the one tasked with bringing them their steak dinners. He tried not to be offended as Rhys grabbed plates through the barely opened door. He failed. God this place got a lot of weirdos. He wasn’t sure if he hated the rich assholes or the dickish bounty hunters more but Rhys was certainly making a case for rich assholes today.

A door slamming in his face definitely cemented it. Even though Rhys didn’t even think about it for a second, happily returning to the bed with it. His own cooked normal and Zer0’s essentially two shades off from raw.

Most of the people who’ve watched Zer0 eat just do their best not to laugh at them but Rhys finds it endearing. Their stiff mouth doesn’t really appear to be built to eat much of anything. Digging the pointy edges into the meat to rip off still bloody chunks of the meat they looked borderline savage. Followed by the unpleasant fact they swallow it whole. Rhys couldn’t think of a polite way to find out if they have teeth or not but he was fairly certain they didn’t. Or a tongue, for that matter.

Rhys really didn’t mind though, bafflingly finding it cute and smiling despite his beau’s disturbingly reptilian approach to eating.

He fiddled around with cutting his own steak, brightly regarding his other, “So it’s been a year now.”

“Yes.”

“I actually haven’t been with anyone this long, ever. Romantically, I mean.”

Zer0 tilted their head as they looked over, squinting their lower lids in their odd imitation of a human smile, “Me either. Considering my species, not unusual. A good thing nonetheless.”

There was a return to near silence, cut only by the somewhat disgusting noises of Zer0 tearing chunks off of the steak and choking them down.

Rhys smiled though, Zer0 generally tended not to talk during meals. He finished his meal much sooner and took the opportunity to rub one of his hands on the alien’s leathery thigh. The quiet moment only lasted a second though.

Blood was still streaking down their stiff, bony jaw as they suddenly jerked their head up and towards the door.

Rhys felt an odd mixture of disappointment and fear as Zer0 quickly crawled out of the bed and started jerking around the room like a caged animal.

“What’s wrong?”

“Hear something.”

Rhys choked back a visceral need to say ‘What is it Lassie? What is it girl?’ Mostly because he’d never seen Zer0 act like this and he didn’t terribly like it. Especially as he watched them instinctively grab their own leg, looking for a handgun that wasn’t there.

He watched Zer0 almost rhythmically move around, tapping the walls to find thinner parts to hear through.

Unsatisfied they put the helmet back on and slunk out unto the balcony, closing the curtain behind them.

“Is… it okay?” Rhys chanced as they lurked back in.

“Maybe,” Zer0 said uncertainly, “Perhaps I heard wrong.”

“What… what’d you hear?”

“Footsteps.”

“Zer0 we’re not the only people here, you know. It’s probably just the neighbors.”

“There are no neighbors. On that side. Corner room. Footsteps, outside. Or not. Hearing acute. Not perfect.”

It didn’t put Rhys as ease at all.

Zer0 looked around after flipping the helmet back off, starting to second guess themselves.

“I am sorry.”

Rhys shook his head, “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re just… used to being in an almost completely abandoned apartment complex. Vaughn’s the only person on our floor and he’s on the other side. So you can’t hear anyone.”

“Yes I can.”

He looked up, “... what?”

“Told you before. Senses acute. Floor at Atlas, not so big. Can hear Vaughn. Not polite to gossip.”

“Can… can you hear what the other people hear are doing?” Rhys said as a wide smirk started stretching his face, his bird brain immediately forgetting that a few minutes ago Zer0 had been in a panic.

“Nosy,” they answered before going dead silent. Rhys wasn’t given time to be disappointed before they spoke again, explaining the dead air, “Next door. Eating. Crunchy. No words. Awkward. Two down. Swimming. Laughing. Nice time. Three down. Well. Would be rude to say.”

Seeing an opportunity Rhys jumped on it hitting Zer0 with his best bedroom eyes, “Well, we could just do that then.”

“Would love to,” Zer0 calmly stated, nearly causing Rhys a heart attack before being let down swiftly, “Never got to try to swim. Not really. Armor too heavy.”

“Swimming it is...” Rhys said, trying not to sound too disappointed. He failed.

Zer0 pretended not to notice as they slid over towards the pool.

Rhys already had his shirt halfway unbuttoned when his brain started working at full capacity. He smirked. He was going to give them one hell of a show, the striptease of a lifetime, hopefully turn the tides in his favor, they won’t even know what to do with themselves aaaaand Zer0 wasn’t even facing him.

He just stared at Zer0’s back in disappointment as they unintentionally (at least Rhys hoped) ignored his attempt to get their attention. They just calmly removed their armored jumpsuit- of course leaving on the same damn underarmor shorts they always wear- and folded it up on the bed.

Undaunted, Rhys decided to take it a step further. I mean, it was a private pool in a private hotel room, no one was going to see but Zer0 who was already carefully stepping into the pool. Regardless, he was still embarrassed as his tossed his underwear on top of the rest of his clothes.

It wasn’t the first time Rhys had been naked around Zer0 but usually he at least pretended to have the intent to get his clothes on again. He’d developed a habit of walking around the apartment like that when it could be passed off as normal. While getting dressed, after a shower, things like that.

This was much more direct. However, same as every other time, Zer0 was politely but pointedly looking away. Badly pretending to be interested in the water, letting it run slowly out of one of their hands.

Rhys sighed in disappointment and sunk into the water. As in on cue Zer0 looked up the second he was submerged.

“So… you like swimming?” Rhys asked, somewhat defeatedly as he leaned against the pristine white edge of the pool.

Zer0 seemed to relax, sinking back into the water, “Yes. No water on my planet. New. I like it. Did not know what to make of it at first. But my body is light. Without armor, at least. I float easily.”

“I used to swim a lot as a kid but the pool up on Helios was always crowded. I’m kinda weird about strangers in my personal space bubble. You can relate, I assume.”

“Yes. On a more extreme level.”

Rhys laughed, batting his eyes as he moved towards the alien, “Yeah but you like me being in your space right?”

Zer0 rustled Rhys’s hair in the most painfully platonic way possible, “Of course.”

He wasn’t daunted, chancing even pressing up against Zer0 although disappointed by their lack of reaction, “Well, I really like being in yours. Kinda wish I was more often. Or in more intimat-”

This time he heard it too. A weird noise on the other side of the wall, outside the building.

He couldn’t even be disappointed when Zer0 slid away, not even bothering to put on the suit as they raced outside. Carefully clawing along the building, hanging onto the rail to not fall but be able to see around the corner.

Squinting harshly as their eyes accidentally scanned the horizon. Right into the sun. Augh.

There was nothing. Zer0 looked around cautiously. No one saw them. Probably.

Ducking back inside they made a sad little scratchy noise as they rubbed at their eyes. If they hadn’t been red before they would be now. Rhys rushed over, trying to look at their eyes although damage wouldn’t be evident to him, “Are you alright?”

“Hate the sun. Ow.” they said, barely audible over the little scratchy noises of discomfort they were making.

Rhys sighed, grabbing his Atlas brand boxers off the bed and slipping them on for now. Zer0 didn’t resist being led to sit on the bed while Rhys dimmed every light as low as it could go. It would have been romantic if something wasn’t possibly lurking around the room.

“Was there… was there anything?”

“No. And nothing could move that quickly. On Pandora, at least.”

“I heard it too but do you think it might be like... a rakk on the roof or something?”

Zer0 didn’t seem placated necessarily but they did calm down, “Maybe just paranoid. New place. Lots of Vault Hunters. Always puts me on edge.”

They both got quiet, Zer0 quietly shifting to lay down. Ankles lightly crossed.

Rhys was starting to wonder if he’d really heard that thing too or if Zer0 was just making him paranoid. Started to wonder if that was the alien’s intent. Maybe they didn’t really hear anything. The timing was impeccable both times.

He slowly laid down at Zer0’s side. Fuck it.

“Do you want me, Zer0?”

“Of course I do. You are my boyfriend. If I did not want you around, I would just go.”

“I can tell you’re playing dumb,” Rhys said, immediately feeling guilty but unable to stop himself, “You know what sex is and I know you’ve seen enough movies to know I’m trying to get your attention…”

Rhys could see Zer0 sit up in the dim light, body tensed up, resisting their natural urge to flee. They didn’t though, answering slowly, “I can not.”

“Want me?”

“Not in the way you mean. The way you want. Physically feel nothing. Humans, sex for pleasure. Other species, not so much. Neutral. Reproduction. Circle of life. Not for fun. To make little screaming aliens. I am sorry.”

Rhys was quiet for a long time, feeling all four of Zer0’s eyes carefully examining his face, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Did not know at first. That mating was a big deal for humans, I mean. Learned, as time passed. Movies. TV. Music. All humans seem to care about. Afraid to say anything. Wanted to enjoy this while I could. Before you left me. I am sorry.”

Zer0 jumped as he felt a cold metal hand grab their own leathery one. Their brain was still screaming to flee as Rhys tried to comfort them, “I’m not going to leave you.”

“You aren’t?”

The fact Zer0 sounded genuinely surprised broke Rhys’s heart a little.

“Of course not. You can’t help that,” Rhys said, tugging them back down into a hug which they didn’t resist. They instead just wrapped around like like a boa constrictor while he continued to talk, “Just kinda wished you’d told me that instead of letting me make an ass of myself. But it’s okay. You were just scared and didn’t know what to do, right?”

“Yes. I am sorry. Love is… an alien concept. To me, at least.”

“It’s okay just please talk things out. You stopped running but you still hide things. I mean, you can tell me anyth- wait, what’d you just say?”

Zer0 made a confused chirp in response.

“You’ve never… never said anything about love before,” Rhys said, nearly breathlessly.

“Well. Never noticed,” Zer0 muttered, rubbing one of their hands against Rhys’s side, “I do love you, though.”

Rhys absolutely made the most undignified giddy schoolgirl noise as he nearly crushed the lanky alien into an even tighter ball of equally lanky limbs, “I love you too!”

He made a confused noise as he felt something pinch into the crook of his neck, almost painfully. It took him a second to realize Zer0 had bit him a little. They immediately recoiled, embarrassed, "I am sorry. Show of affection back on my planet. Carried away. Sorry.”

“Oh my god you nibble to show affection. That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard of in my entire life. You can bite me literally whenever, oh my god, that’s adorable.”

Zer0 let out a small ‘hmph’ of satisfaction before nuzzling and nipping again, relieved at how well this had gone over.

\---

Rhys groaned as the sunlight glared through the window again. Sitting up he rubbed at his eyes and looked around for a confused minute before realizing that: A) today is his and Zer0’s official anniversary date and B) Zer0 was gone.

That jerked him wide awake although his question was answered before he could even finish asking it.

There was a dull clunk as Zer0 stepped back in through the front door, fully armored and splattered with abnormally bright red blood.

“Okay. So. Do not get angry.”

“Wha… what’s going on?”

“Noises from last night. Actual threat. One of my species, even. Waiting for sunlight to strike. Thought they would catch me off guard, no weapons. Incorrect. Awake with a fork. Sent from small gun company. Hoped to reduce major competition.”

Rhys just blinked at him dumbly.

“There is a corpse on the doorstep again and I am sorry.”

Well. This was quickly becoming the most macabre anniversary tradition possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear god I wrote and trashed like three to five different versions of this chapter because they weren't good enough. I had a rough time getting this chapter where I wanted it but I'm happy with the results.
> 
> I was nervous because a lot of people seemed to think this was going to culminate in something sexy but I always intended to keep Zer0 asexual like they are in canon. They want the romantic part but not the sexual one. So I felt like I had to make this chapter as good as possible so people wouldn't be disappointed.
> 
> All that's left is one short wrap-up chapter which should be up tomorrow or a day or two!


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys and Zer0 talk about the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days! Yay Cat!
> 
> We're at the end, finally! Just a short epilogue to wrap things up and maybe hint at future projects if people are interested.
> 
> Either way I'm sure this won't be the last Zerhys thing I write. Glad to finally bring it to a close though. Always nice to finish a long project.

It hadn’t taken long for Zer0 to find that new gun company who’d sent the assassin and completely wipe them off the map.

Sometimes it struck Rhys that Zer0 killed and will continue to kill thousands of people.

But then he remembered he had a similar body count with the crashing of Helios. He just got all of his in bulk.

It was an easy enough thing to forget on a day like this. He always liked when Zer0 came to visit him at work, a fairly rare occurrence. It was quite a surprise for Rhys to find them pivoting in his oversized office chair.

“Oh my, what’s the occasion that my unbelievably badass assassin comes to visit me at work?” Rhys said, leaning on the desk and trying his absolutely damnedest to look slick.

“Lunch together,” Zer0 replied calmly as they lifted a bag not unlike the one from their second date.

Rhys smiled as the meal was unwrapped. More unfamiliar food a la Maya. There’s no Borderlands term for Japanese but it’s Japanese. Tempura and miso soup, to be specific. His box was teal, Zer0’s red.

“I’m really glad you came today. Vaughn’s been way too busy with the whole Axton-boyfriend-thing. Plus Fiona and Sasha have been away for like a month now. I’m getting lonely.”

God, Rhys needed to make more friends.

“Mine have been busy too. Not unusual though. Nor disturbs me. Solitary species. Not like humans.”

“On your planet I know there’s not really any sort of… romance really. In the traditional sense anyways. Do you guys… form families or anything? Like, you say solitary but exactly how solitary?”

Rhys had gotten bolder in asking questions in the past month since the second corpse gift. I guess your beaufriend can only bring you so many dead bodies before you stop worrying about offending them.

Zer0 didn’t mind answering. They never did.

“Sometimes split into twos, like humans. Three most normal. Less contact though. Live together but do not see each other every day. More a marriage of convenience than passion, usually.”

“You ever get sick of me?”

“No. You let me wander when I want to. If I want to be alone, I leave. Go on a mission. Come back. Nice to have a home. Do not need to sleep, enjoy it though. Even nicer to not sleep alone.”

“So, three’s normal for your species. Ours is kind of a one takes care of the house, the other makes money deal. Not always but, like, traditionally. Yours?”

“A caretaker, a worker. We require a third. A protector. Assassins, looked down upon. But valuable. Often taken as a third to keep safe. Sometimes not allowed to live with. Expect to guard nonetheless. Unfortunate.”

“So, like, permanent third wheel status?”

“Except worse.”

“So if you’re the protector, I’m the worker right?” Rhys asked, tapping a finger on the expansive desk which was clear evidence of his position.

“Yes. No caretaker. Could easily split that role though. Happens up there too, fairly frequently. Nothing ever set in stone. Life, complex.”

“But we can’t have kids, right? We’re not exactly… physically compatible.”

“Do not need to be. I do not require a second. Asexual reproduction.”

Rhys laughed, picking at the battered food in front of him, “What so you can just like… go, bam, chock full of eggs and then pop them out yourself in like nine months?”

“Two.”

“Two what? Two months? Two years?”

“Two weeks. Species matures fast. Have mentioned before.”

“So in two weeks I could be a non biological dad to a brood of baby aliens?”

“Do you want to be?”

Rhys jerked to reality at that, awkwardly gesturing with the ornate chopsticks Zer0 had brought for the food, “N-not right now don’t just like go ahead and do that right now, immediately, right now.”

“Did not intend to.”

There was a somewhat tense silence after that. The only sound breaking it was the clattering of sticks-on-dish and those horrible noises Zer0 makes when they try to eat people food. Like a choking animal.

“Do you… want to be a parent?” Rhys asked cautiously, absentmindedly stirring the soup in front of him.

“Yes. Not necessarily now. Eventually.”

“How… how many?”

“How many what?”

“I know you’ve said you come from eggs before and you said you were supposed to have like… four siblings. Five is a hell of a lot of babies.”

“At least two, at most six. How many do humans have?” Zer0 asked, for once offering up a question of their own. They really hadn’t seen many little humans.

“One, bro. One baby. Sometimes two and rarely three. Weird cases have even more but mostly just the one.”

“That is a major evolutionary disadvantage.”

“Hey, humans still infest everything so I guess it works,” Rhys shrugged.

“Suppose it is easier to keep a human baby alive. Less enemies.”

“Yeah aside from Psychos there’s not exactly a whole bunch of things out to kill human babies. Just avoid that one thing and you’ll probably be fine. Six is… six is a lot though.”

“Easier. Seen a human baby. It could not even lift its head. Pathetic. We hatch, eyes open in week, we get up, start walking. Just make sure do not walk into danger. Also biting, bigger problem. Do not put fingers near hatchling’s mouth.”

“So eventually I’m going to be taking care of a half dozen literal anklebiters,” Rhys joked, taking a large bite of what appeared to be a battered piece of some unknown vegetable.

“If you want.”

“Yeah. Yeah eventually. Not now though. Give me like a year. Maybe next anniversary instead of a corpse on a doorstep. A basket of tiny screeching babies would be nicer.”

“I feel I cannot promise that. I will try though. Maybe both?”

Rhys smacked them in the arm, “Come on, no more corpses. Don’t let the babies see a corpse that young.”

Zer0 nodded calmly, “Yes. They would probably try to eat it too.”

“Please tell me you’re joking?”

The blank look they were giving them thought the helmet said they weren’t.

**Author's Note:**

> "Genuinely creepy and animalistic alien" Zer0 is something I would die for so have me finally contributing some disturbing alien antics.
> 
> If you read my other shit mayyybe you caught wind of what was happening a little quicker, given I expressed my headcanon that their species gives dead bodies of rivals to express romantic interest in "Winged Wingman." Except Maya put a frickin stop to that creepy shit in that one. Maya was slacking off in this particular universe, apparently.
> 
> Check out more of my stuff at [catisacat](http://www.catisacat.tumblr.com/)


End file.
